After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Top Parenting Trends Of 2014

Between questions of breastfeeding, circumcision, vaccinations, and must-have accessories, moms and dads are confronted with a wealth of options when it comes to raising their children. Here are the top parenting trends of 2014:

  • Many couples are waiting to announce their pregnancy until after their child has graduated college and become a partner in a successful law firm.
  • Mothers are increasingly allowing their newborns to starve to death due to their paralyzing inability to decide between formula and breast milk.
  • Many parents are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.
  • More and more parents are using so-called long-term surrogates to not only carry their child to term, but also to raise, care for, and eventually send him or her to college.
  • Including a piece of umbilical cord with birth announcements.
  • Birthday-themed parties are a fast-growing trend, with parents throwing a party roughly once a year for their child around the time of his or her birth, complete with cake, party hats, and presents.
  • A growing contingent of new mothers are choosing to read about the many health benefits of eating placenta before ultimately chickening out.
  • As part of the new Infinity Womb trend, women are using a wide range of Lamaze, yoga, and strength-training techniques to forcefully prevent their children from ever leaving their womb, forever protecting them from the harsh realities of the world.
  • If you’re not a white, upper-middle-class couple, everything is pretty much the same as last year.

After Birth

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