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Vol 37 Issue 32

Legalizing Mexican Labor

Last week, President Bush promised illegal Mexican immigrants a worker program to legalize their labor in the U.S., but not blanket amnesty. What do you think?

Congressman Admits To Sexual Relationship

WASHINGTON, DC—After months of fevered speculation and allegations in the media regarding his private life, U.S. Rep. Gordon Graham (D-IL) finally admitted Monday to having a sexual relationship with Arlington, VA, interior designer Joyce Debolt.

Sci-Fi Fans Argue The Better Of Two As-Yet-Unreleased Films

TULSA, OK— Science-fiction fans Pete Carver and Matthew Wynne disagreed sharply Monday on the relative merits of Harry Potter And The Sorcerer's Stone and The Fellowship Of The Ring, neither of which hits theaters for months. "The storyboards for the Quidditch tournament I saw on this one web site look terrible," said the pro-Tolkien Carver. "There's no way that scene can be better than I've heard the Balrog one is." Wynne countered that the set design for the Great Hall of Hogwarts set "will completely blow away" that of the Mines of Moria.

True A.R. Bruthas Don't Take No Layba Day Off

Ay yo, wassup, Gs? If y'all aksed me what paradise wuz to tha H-Dog, I'd say it be three things: customas payin' they accountz on time without me having to go all Walkin' Tall on they ass, a endless supply o' Nutrageous barz in tha break-room vendin' machine, an' last but not least, a seven-day work week wit' no muthafukkin' dayz off to fuck wit' mah flow.

Manager Fails To Keep It Short Or Sweet

ADA, OH— Despite his promise, Sbarro manager Bruce Hart failed to keep his talk regarding proper straw-receptacle-refill protocol short or sweet. "He could've just said, 'Don't overstuff the straw dispenser, because it's hard to get them out when you do that,'" cashier Evan Rees said. "Instead, he spent 15 minutes going off about how much straws cost, and how customers don't like it when they have to claw at the dispenser, and how it can be unhygienic if the wrappers get torn." Rees said that Hart occasionally keeps it short or sweet, but never both at the same time.
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