adBlockCheck

Top Prospects Of The 2013 NBA Draft

Top Headlines

Recent News

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Top Prospects Of The 2013 NBA Draft

With the 2013 NBA Draft quickly approaching, Onion Sports breaks down the best collegiate and international basketball players.

  • Otto Porter (SF, Georgetown): Quintessential team player who is unselfish, hardworking, and happy to do whatever is necessary to help his teammates; is unfortunately a horrible fit for the modern era of NBA basketball
  • Giannis Adetokunbo (SF, Greece): At 6’9” with a huge wingspan drawing comparisons to Kevin Durant, the 18-year-old was nicknamed “The Greek Freak” because kids can be so cruel and hurtful sometimes
  • Victor Oladipo (PG, Indiana): Already weighing in at 215 pounds after his junior year, there’s no telling how heavy this Indiana University point guard could someday become
  • Dennis Schröder (PG, Deutschland): Schröder verfügt über unglaubliche Agilität erstaunlich offenen Gericht Geschwindigkeit und hervorragende Lesung des Bodens. Trotz seiner schlechten Schießen, hat er bereits bewiesen, dass eine der besten jungen Spieler in Europa sein
  • Anthony Bennett (PF, UNLV): Many scouts believe that Bennett has star potential, and when have NBA Draft scouts ever been wrong about somebody?
  • First Last: Scouts are heralding this hastily created 7’11” player as better than everyone else in every skill category
  • Ben McLemore (SG, Kansas): The talented shooting guard possesses the exact type of explosive athleticism that the Washington Wizards love to waste
  • Shane Larkin (PG, Miami): Undersized at 5’11”, Larkin more than makes up for it with his 25-foot wingspan
  • Alex Len (C, Maryland): Len comes from the powerhouse University of Maryland basketball program, which has recently spawned such NBA talents as that white point guard on the Lakers and the Venezuelan guy on the Hornets
  • Trey Burke (PG, Michigan): What 2013 NBA Draft guide would be complete without Trey Burke?

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close