adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

Top Prospects Of The 2013 NBA Draft

With the 2013 NBA Draft quickly approaching, Onion Sports breaks down the best collegiate and international basketball players.

  • Otto Porter (SF, Georgetown): Quintessential team player who is unselfish, hardworking, and happy to do whatever is necessary to help his teammates; is unfortunately a horrible fit for the modern era of NBA basketball
  • Giannis Adetokunbo (SF, Greece): At 6’9” with a huge wingspan drawing comparisons to Kevin Durant, the 18-year-old was nicknamed “The Greek Freak” because kids can be so cruel and hurtful sometimes
  • Victor Oladipo (PG, Indiana): Already weighing in at 215 pounds after his junior year, there’s no telling how heavy this Indiana University point guard could someday become
  • Dennis Schröder (PG, Deutschland): Schröder verfügt über unglaubliche Agilität erstaunlich offenen Gericht Geschwindigkeit und hervorragende Lesung des Bodens. Trotz seiner schlechten Schießen, hat er bereits bewiesen, dass eine der besten jungen Spieler in Europa sein
  • Anthony Bennett (PF, UNLV): Many scouts believe that Bennett has star potential, and when have NBA Draft scouts ever been wrong about somebody?
  • First Last: Scouts are heralding this hastily created 7’11” player as better than everyone else in every skill category
  • Ben McLemore (SG, Kansas): The talented shooting guard possesses the exact type of explosive athleticism that the Washington Wizards love to waste
  • Shane Larkin (PG, Miami): Undersized at 5’11”, Larkin more than makes up for it with his 25-foot wingspan
  • Alex Len (C, Maryland): Len comes from the powerhouse University of Maryland basketball program, which has recently spawned such NBA talents as that white point guard on the Lakers and the Venezuelan guy on the Hornets
  • Trey Burke (PG, Michigan): What 2013 NBA Draft guide would be complete without Trey Burke?

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close