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Vol 35 Issue 26

Once-Cute Cerebral Palsy Poster Child Now Awkward Cerebral Palsy Teen

BELLINGHAM, WA—Area 14-year-old Brianna Angelos, who was the Cerebral Palsy Foundation's official Cerebral Palsy poster child in 1992, has developed into a gangly, awkward Cerebral Palsy teen, sources revealed Tuesday. "Nobody's asked Brianna to be on any posters for a long while now," said Karen Angelos, mother of the ungainly adolescent. "In fact, I don't think she's done a public appearance in over five years." Brianna's classmates at Westlake High School describe the teen as "introverted and unpopular."

Sports Team Defeated In Manner Befitting Its Name

CLEVELAND—A sports team's name proved eerily fitting Tuesday when, according to USA Today, the Cleveland Indians were "scalped" 11-3 by the Detroit Tigers. "We had high hopes of 'taming' the Tigers," Indians manager Mike Hargrove said following the loss. "But instead, they wound up killing us and removing our hair as a grim trophy." In other major-league contests Tuesday, the Mets hooked the Marlins, the Yankees "tore holes in" the Red Sox, and the Padres felled the Giants with nothing but courage and a tiny leather sling.

AMC Bob Hope Retrospective Ready To Go

WOODBURY, NY—American Movie Classics executives announced Tuesday that the cable network's week-long, 40-film retrospective of the films of Bob Hope is "ready to go," with "Remembering Bob Hope" graphics and hours of interview footage edited and poised to be spliced into the broadcast. "We're all set to air this uplifting tribute to one of the century's great entertainers, and will do so the second it's time," AMC president Warren Milacki said. "We're pretty much just waiting for the 'go' sign, if you follow me."

Post-Modern Condition Upgraded To Pre-Apocalyptic

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—The "postmodern" condition of alienated, disjointed late-20th-century humanity was officially upgraded to "pre-apocalyptic" Monday, when new findings from leading postmodernist theorist Richard Rorty were published in the new issue of Semiotexte. "I was flipping through the cable channels the other night, trying to get an abstract sense of the way emergent processes of change and transformation generated by contemporary high-tech society are challenging cultural assumptions regarding diverse aesthetic forms to create a novel state of history," Rorty said, "when, all of a sudden, I realized that everything I was looking at was the biggest load of unimaginably horrific crap ever." At this point in the socio-cultural discourse, Rorty said, the key question is no longer whether or not social fragmentation, cultural meta-juxtaposition and socioeconomic problematics require new modes of experience and interpretation, but rather, "When will the seven-headed dragon of the End Times descend upon us all in unholy fury?"

Clinton Gets Full Day's Relief With One Spray Of Flonase

WASHINGTON, DC—President Clinton breathed easier for a full day Monday after using Flonase® prescription nasal spray, White House sources confirmed. "Flonase® did not make me drowsy or keep me awake like some antihistamines and decongestants," the jubilant, decongested chief executive told reporters at a Rose Garden press conference. Clinton noted that Flonase® is non-addictive and can be used by children as young as four. "Side effects are generally mild and may include headache, nosebleed or sore throat; only your doctor or healthcare provider can determine if Flonase® is right for you," added Clinton before providing reporters with a toll-free number where additional information on the Glaxo Wellcome product can be obtained.

The Death Of John-John

Killed with his wife and sister-in-law in a plane crash July 16, JFK Jr. joins a long line of Kennedys to die under tragic circumstances. What do you think about the latest calamity to befall America's first family?

Nobody Really Understands Me

Look, I really don't have all that much to complain about. I'm well respected. I'm considered quite elegant in my own way. And, in certain circles, I'm seen as quite a romantic and mysterious set of figures. But despite all this, sometimes I still can't help feeling like no one truly understands me.

I Gots To Represent At Tha Muthafuckin' Company Picnic

Yo, I must be gettin' soft or somethin', 'cause last weekend, I be chillin' at tha Midstate Office Supply company picnic. Sheeit. Ain't too long ago, tha H-Dog wuz too hard for that socializin' shizit. All tha time, co-workers be askin' me, "Hey, Herbert, would you like to sign up for the Red Cross blood drive?" "Are you going to participate in Secret Santa this year?" And all tha time, I give 'em tha same answer: "Step tha FUCK off, you blood-donatin', Secret Santa-havin' muthafucka. Tha H-Dog ain't doin' that weak-ass shit, not now, not eva."
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