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Top Tech Gadgets Of 2013

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Science & Technology

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
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Top Tech Gadgets Of 2013

  • Chromecast: Allowing you to sync your computer’s Hulu and Netflix account to your TV’s TiVo and Roku Plus boxes without the need of HDMI or... Jesus, is this what life has come to? When did things get like this? Why are we doing this to ourselves?
  • Shiny Black: Shiny black was everywhere in the tech world this year, edging out leading technologies like shiny white, shiny silver, matte black, matte white, and matte silver.
  • MakerBot 3D Printer: Allowing users to create three-dimensional versions of virtually any shape right in their own homes, 3D printers were universally recognized as the 12th easiest way for Americans to acquire guns without a license.
  • Jambox: Despite its impressive sound quality and sleek design, many consumers have complained about the fact that this all-in-one speaker is only capable of playing the Rod Stewart album Foolish Behaviour.
  • Room Of Servers: Tech competitors just didn’t have an answer for this giant room filled with 700 servers stacked on top of one another.
  • Single Pixel: Tech users flocked to this single physical point of light capable of displaying red, blue, or green.
  • Samsung Galaxy S4, iPhone 5, Moto X: All of these phones allow users to send and receive phone calls. They work fine.
  • ‘Tootsie’ On Blu-Ray: The crisp imagery of this 1983 Oscar winner must be seen to be believed. Like being on set!

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