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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Top TV Shows Of 2012

  • The Big Bang Theory: This sitcom about a group of scientist friends earned strong ratings as Americans were way too lazy to change the channel every single time it came on TV
  • Breaking Bad: Viewers couldn’t get enough of Walter’s wacky antics, be it disposing of a rival’s body in a vat of acid, or disposing of a little kid’s body in a vat of acid
  • Girls: Viewers thought they wouldn’t like this comedy about young women in New York, and then kind of got into it, and then felt the characters were too whiny, and then watched the whole season
  • The Office: Everyone got a lot more work done without Michael Scott mucking things up
  • Dexter: Was still on TV this season
  • American Shitheads: Viewers were captivated by this TLC reality series that follows people almost identical to themselves
  • Treme: Oh, what about Treme? Did anybody watch Treme?
  • Boardwalk Empire: Egh, not really one of the top TV shows

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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