CHANHASSEN, MN—Ending rampant speculation regarding the extent of the late musician’s catalogue of unreleased recordings, the executors of Prince’s estate announced Monday that the performer’s famed vault in his Paisley Park residence sadly contains 37,000 hours of Billy Joel covers.
NEW YORK—Following on the heels of the surprise release of her new album, Lemonade, over the weekend, Beyoncé unexpectedly debuted a brand-new song Monday about how purchasing a subscription to the streaming music service Tidal is the most empowering action a woman can take, sources confirmed.
OCALA, FL—Speaking somberly while staring off into the distance, local resident Mike Budd, a man who regularly wears tinted, wraparound Oakley sunglasses upside down on the back of his head, told reporters Monday that he is still recovering from the 2013 death of actor Paul Walker.
WASHINGTON—Telling reporters they were unable to convey the full extent of their gratitude that the plot of the hit HBO series had finally surpassed the events of the novels, citizens across the country expressed immense relief Sunday that all the insufferable little Game Of Thrones fans would no longer be able to lord the books over everyone else just trying to enjoy the show.
FREMONT, CA—In an effort to refresh his memory ahead of the upcoming season of the popular fantasy series, local Game Of Thrones fan Bryan Parker reportedly rewatched past episodes of the show this week to remind himself of what all the characters’ breasts look like.
LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
COATESVILLE, PA—Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass.
BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood.
LOS ANGELES—Promising that it would be best to just buy a ticket and take care of the unpleasantness right away, a new Batman V. Superman: Dawn Of Justice promotional campaign launched this week reportedly urged filmgoers to simply get this whole thing over with.
WASHINGTON—Shortly after arriving in the Oval Office early Thursday morning, President Obama reportedly met with key advisors to receive his daily classified briefing on the likelihood of a reboot of the 1983 science-fiction film Krull.
LOS ANGELES—Undergoing a rapid physical transformation the instant his hand grasped the Academy Award for best actor, Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly morphed back into a hairy, heavyset Iowan Sunday after finally winning an Oscar.
RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.
Mad Men: The sixth season once again defied those who said a period piece featuring attractive, stately men in warmly lit rooms could never succeed.
Breaking Bad: A triumphant final season of television that isn’t anywhere close to the engrossing, magical world of books.
Homeland: While viewers were excited to watch the third season, most agreed the show was somewhat cheapened by its reliance on dramatizing the nation’s weekly massive terrorist attacks.
Gunsmoke: For the 58th straight year, Gunsmoke was the hottest show on television.
House Of Cards: At the end of the day, there are only two types of television shows: those that chase and those that are chased. At first blush, this coonhound appears to be something of a chaser. But only time can tell if our little doggie will end up running with the big boys…or falling behind the pack.
Piven: The charming half-hour sitcom starring Jeremy Piven enjoyed a loyal and passionate cult following, but was unfortunately cancelled by NBC after its fifth season.
Phineas & Ferb: Disney Channel’s first animated show featuring transgender characters.
Dexter: Fans of the long-running Showtime drama got the ending they deserved.
Onion News Empire: Fans flocked to this Amazon original series—a behind-the-scenes look at The Onion—by the billions, making it the highest-rated pilot of all time.