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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Top TV Shows Of 2013

  • Mad Men: The sixth season once again defied those who said a period piece featuring attractive, stately men in warmly lit rooms could never succeed.
  • Breaking Bad: A triumphant final season of television that isn’t anywhere close to the engrossing, magical world of books.
  • Homeland: While viewers were excited to watch the third season, most agreed the show was somewhat cheapened by its reliance on dramatizing the nation’s weekly massive terrorist attacks.
  • Gunsmoke: For the 58th straight year, Gunsmoke was the hottest show on television.
  • House Of Cards: At the end of the day, there are only two types of television shows: those that chase and those that are chased. At first blush, this coonhound appears to be something of a chaser. But only time can tell if our little doggie will end up running with the big boys…or falling behind the pack.
  • Piven: The charming half-hour sitcom starring Jeremy Piven enjoyed a loyal and passionate cult following, but was unfortunately cancelled by NBC after its fifth season.
  • Phineas & Ferb: Disney Channel’s first animated show featuring transgender characters.
  • Dexter: Fans of the long-running Showtime drama got the ending they deserved.
  • Onion News Empire: Fans flocked to this Amazon original series—a behind-the-scenes look at The Onion—by the billions, making it the highest-rated pilot of all time.
  • House Of Lies: A show.
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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