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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Top Wedding Trends For 2014

As the 2014 wedding season gets underway this month, thousands of couples across the country are preparing to tie the knot in memorable and carefully customized ceremonies. Here are the most popular trends you can expect to see at weddings this summer:

  • Bride walked down aisle by Bill Paxton
  • Incorporating elements of nature into decor, such as twigs, rustic tree stumps, and enraged buffalo
  • Flower girls leashed
  • Destination weddings at courthouses in neighboring counties
  • Groomsmen in identical gorilla masks
  • Complimentary peanuts with shells you can just toss on floor
  • Vintage bullshit
  • Piling raw meat on center of dance floor and sounding a siren to signal feeding time
  • Table number written on back of live scorpion
  • Reception held in working foundry
  • Uncle Gary staring at bridesmaid’s ass
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