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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Top Wedding Trends For 2014

As the 2014 wedding season gets underway this month, thousands of couples across the country are preparing to tie the knot in memorable and carefully customized ceremonies. Here are the most popular trends you can expect to see at weddings this summer:

  • Bride walked down aisle by Bill Paxton
  • Incorporating elements of nature into decor, such as twigs, rustic tree stumps, and enraged buffalo
  • Flower girls leashed
  • Destination weddings at courthouses in neighboring counties
  • Groomsmen in identical gorilla masks
  • Complimentary peanuts with shells you can just toss on floor
  • Vintage bullshit
  • Piling raw meat on center of dance floor and sounding a siren to signal feeding time
  • Table number written on back of live scorpion
  • Reception held in working foundry
  • Uncle Gary staring at bridesmaid’s ass
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