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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Top Wedding Trends For 2014

As the 2014 wedding season gets underway this month, thousands of couples across the country are preparing to tie the knot in memorable and carefully customized ceremonies. Here are the most popular trends you can expect to see at weddings this summer:

  • Bride walked down aisle by Bill Paxton
  • Incorporating elements of nature into decor, such as twigs, rustic tree stumps, and enraged buffalo
  • Flower girls leashed
  • Destination weddings at courthouses in neighboring counties
  • Groomsmen in identical gorilla masks
  • Complimentary peanuts with shells you can just toss on floor
  • Vintage bullshit
  • Piling raw meat on center of dance floor and sounding a siren to signal feeding time
  • Table number written on back of live scorpion
  • Reception held in working foundry
  • Uncle Gary staring at bridesmaid’s ass
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