Toughness in Sports

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fatherhood

  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Preparedness

Ice Cream Truck Driver Going To Let These Kids Sweat A Little Bit Before Stopping

MILWAUKEE—Admitting that he’ll never get tired of looking in his rearview mirror and seeing their little legs going at full speed as they struggle to catch up to him, local ice cream truck driver Derek Kenney said that he once again planned on making the children on Maple Avenue sweat it out a little bit before stopping his vehicle.

Toughness in Sports

Jay Cutler's supposed lack of toughness has people discussing the gutsiest performances in sports. Here are the ones we'll always remember:

  • Kirk Gibson: The Dodgers outfielder overcame a stomach virus and two injured legs to successfully stand in one place, swing a 32-ounce stick from one shoulder to the other, and then jog 360 feet
  • Jay Cutler: Was going to get paid a hell of a lot either way on Sunday, right?
  • Tony Romo: Without telling his coaches, played through a mosquito bite he received the night before a game in 2009
  • Willis Reed: Truly embodying what New York sports is all about, the media completely clings to one photogenic star's marginally inspiring decision to play on a torn thigh muscle and ignores the fact that he only scored four points
  • Curt Schilling: With blood seeping through his sock, we forget how the rest of this whole Schilling-media jerk-off session played out
  • Ronnie Lott: Bit off his own mangled finger in order to keep playing; later in the season, dislocated his neck while trying to bite off whatever was causing his migraines
  • Daniel Snyder: The Redskins' plucky owner once overcame a bout with the flu to dump money hand over fist onto some fat old player
  • Dale Earnhardt: Drove his car into a wall and died, like a badass