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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Toughness in Sports

Jay Cutler's supposed lack of toughness has people discussing the gutsiest performances in sports. Here are the ones we'll always remember:

  • Kirk Gibson: The Dodgers outfielder overcame a stomach virus and two injured legs to successfully stand in one place, swing a 32-ounce stick from one shoulder to the other, and then jog 360 feet
  • Jay Cutler: Was going to get paid a hell of a lot either way on Sunday, right?
  • Tony Romo: Without telling his coaches, played through a mosquito bite he received the night before a game in 2009
  • Willis Reed: Truly embodying what New York sports is all about, the media completely clings to one photogenic star's marginally inspiring decision to play on a torn thigh muscle and ignores the fact that he only scored four points
  • Curt Schilling: With blood seeping through his sock, we forget how the rest of this whole Schilling-media jerk-off session played out
  • Ronnie Lott: Bit off his own mangled finger in order to keep playing; later in the season, dislocated his neck while trying to bite off whatever was causing his migraines
  • Daniel Snyder: The Redskins' plucky owner once overcame a bout with the flu to dump money hand over fist onto some fat old player
  • Dale Earnhardt: Drove his car into a wall and died, like a badass

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