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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Tracking Ebola In The U.S.

With eight confirmed cases of the highly fatal Ebola virus in the U.S. and revelations that health care workers potentially exposed to it have traveled on passenger flights and cruise ships, fears that the disease will spread across the country have grown. Here is an up-to-date map that can help you track the proliferation of Ebola across the United States:

  1. Location where faith in the U.S. health system’s preparedness passed away on Oct. 8
  2. CDC headquarters: Researchers working around the clock on an experimental press statement
  3. Official CDC quarantine zone
  4. Airspace that plane carrying Ebola-infected nurse traveled cordoned off up to 38,000 feet
  5. Future location of Incineration Pit 17B
  6. Man lying about his travel history to get past customs screening
  7. Ebola czar Ron Klain carefully loading single bullet into revolver
  8. Mechanics working nonstop to tune up CDC’s corpse bulldozers
  9. Byram, MS: Ebola virion chased out of town by angry mob
  10. Just enough Ebola serum for Sheldon Adelson, Richard Branson, Koch brothers, and their respective families
  11. Severely symptomatic man who thankfully only has highly fatal yellow fever
  12. Taylor Allderdice High School: Hasn’t been cancelled yet or anything. Sucks.
  13. Newspaper with headline “Ebola Outbreak Hits America!” being blown along vacant Manhattan streets
  14. Site that will be referred to by the roving post-epidemic tribes as “the darkness lands”
  15. CEO of hazmat suit manufacturer Lakeland Industries going to sleep with huge smile on his face
  16. 1,000 more men, women, and children diagnosed with Ebola in West Africa (not pictured)

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