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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.
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Tracking Ebola In The U.S.

With eight confirmed cases of the highly fatal Ebola virus in the U.S. and revelations that health care workers potentially exposed to it have traveled on passenger flights and cruise ships, fears that the disease will spread across the country have grown. Here is an up-to-date map that can help you track the proliferation of Ebola across the United States:

  1. Location where faith in the U.S. health system’s preparedness passed away on Oct. 8
  2. CDC headquarters: Researchers working around the clock on an experimental press statement
  3. Official CDC quarantine zone
  4. Airspace that plane carrying Ebola-infected nurse traveled cordoned off up to 38,000 feet
  5. Future location of Incineration Pit 17B
  6. Man lying about his travel history to get past customs screening
  7. Ebola czar Ron Klain carefully loading single bullet into revolver
  8. Mechanics working nonstop to tune up CDC’s corpse bulldozers
  9. Byram, MS: Ebola virion chased out of town by angry mob
  10. Just enough Ebola serum for Sheldon Adelson, Richard Branson, Koch brothers, and their respective families
  11. Severely symptomatic man who thankfully only has highly fatal yellow fever
  12. Taylor Allderdice High School: Hasn’t been cancelled yet or anything. Sucks.
  13. Newspaper with headline “Ebola Outbreak Hits America!” being blown along vacant Manhattan streets
  14. Site that will be referred to by the roving post-epidemic tribes as “the darkness lands”
  15. CEO of hazmat suit manufacturer Lakeland Industries going to sleep with huge smile on his face
  16. 1,000 more men, women, and children diagnosed with Ebola in West Africa (not pictured)

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