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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve:

  • Boarding passes issued with pre-printed inscrutable scribbling
  • Launching PSA campaign that encourages travelers to question whether this trip is really worth all the hassle
  • Only permitting carry-on items you can sprint with
  • Series of pikes in the ticketing area to display the severed, shoe-adorned feet of unprepared travelers
  • Hiring additional 20,000 agents to stand and point out which line you should be in
  • Allowing passengers to bypass security if they can answer certain TSA-approved riddles
  • Two more bins per scanner line
  • Withdrawing U.S. troops from the Middle East while pursuing a centrist path in diplomacy that balances Israel’s interests with respect for the culture and sovereignty of Muslim nations
  • Opening some of the six goddamn lanes right over there

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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