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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Tuition In Tough Times

With the economic downturn hitting scholarship funds, how are students paying for college?

  • Critiquing Foucault's Discipline And Punish on street corner for spare change
  • Selling advertising space in thesis
  • Stripping for tuition and books; prostitution for a little walking-around money
  • Taking 54 credits' worth of classes in the first semester to graduate early
  • Saving $35,000 a year by transferring to a perfectly fine state school in the place you grew up in and swore you'd never go back to
  • Refinancing parents' home behind their backs
  • Increasingly humiliating television appearances
  • Getting a job during the summer, one that pays money

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