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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Tuition In Tough Times

With the economic downturn hitting scholarship funds, how are students paying for college?

  • Critiquing Foucault's Discipline And Punish on street corner for spare change
  • Selling advertising space in thesis
  • Stripping for tuition and books; prostitution for a little walking-around money
  • Taking 54 credits' worth of classes in the first semester to graduate early
  • Saving $35,000 a year by transferring to a perfectly fine state school in the place you grew up in and swore you'd never go back to
  • Refinancing parents' home behind their backs
  • Increasingly humiliating television appearances
  • Getting a job during the summer, one that pays money

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