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Vol 38 Issue 09

New U.S. Currency Expires If Not Spent In Two Weeks

WASHINGTON, DC— Seeking to stimulate consumer spending, the Treasury Department unveiled "QuikCash," a new U.S. currency that expires two weeks from the date of its issuance. "America, get ready to spend," Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill said Monday. "QuikCash is our exciting new way to jump-start the economy while telling our valued citizens, 'Hey, go get yourself something nice. Now.'"

Scotland More Relaxed When Sean Connery Is Away

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND— The people of Scotland felt a little calmer and more at ease Monday, when actor Sean Connery left the country to shoot a film in Morocco. "Don't misunderstand, we are quite proud of Mr. Connery," Scottish First Minister Jim Wallace said. "It's just that he's a rather intense fellow, and it's nice to have a little time without him." Connery is expected to be away for seven weeks, giving the nation the opportunity to hold a number of relaxed, Connery-free outdoor festivals.

Olympic Skier Stares Down Icy, Forbidding Slope Of Rest Of Life

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO— Two weeks after returning from the Salt Lake City Games, U.S. Olympic skier Courtney Roth, 31, found herself staring down the icy, forbidding slope that is her future Monday. "I got an offer to do a supermarket opening in Denver next week," Roth said, "and it looks like I may sign on to promote the new popcorn shrimp they've got over at Lou's Lobster House." Following several months of three-figure endorsement deals, Roth will land a job in Vail teaching skiing to surly, spoiled 5- to 10-year-olds for the rest of her life.

Home-Brewing Phase Comes To Long-Overdue Conclusion

BETHEL PARK, PA— Local resident Randy Paltz's two-year home-brewing phase finally came to its long-overdue conclusion Tuesday. "Thank God, it's over at last," said Andrea Longo, girlfriend of the 33-year-old beer aficionado. "Every few weeks, he'd make a big production about his latest 'Paltz's Signature Brew.' It all tasted the same—like really thick, shitty beer." Friend Tim Traschel also expressed relief, saying, "Now I can actually go to his house and bring some Michelob without getting a lecture about the low quality of hops in commercial beers."

It Was The Eighth Subscription Card That Convinced Me

Every now and then, I'll pick up a copy of Sports Illustrated, usually when the cover story grabs my interest. But for all the times I've bought SI off the newsstand, I'd never really thought about subscribing. That is, until last Friday, when that eighth subscription card fell out of the issue I was reading. Yes, that was the one that convinced me.

Man Can't Get Police To Care About His Bob Crane Murder Theory

SCOTTSDALE, AZ— Despite his best efforts, Paul Bernardin, 38, has been unable to get the Scottsdale Police Department to care about his theory regarding the unsolved 1978 murder of actor Bob Crane in Scottsdale. "[Bernardin] keeps coming in here saying he knows who killed Col. Hogan," police chief Walter Dunfey said Monday. "Then he usually goes off on how the electrical cord Crane was strangled with doesn't match the ones in the other rooms of the hotel he was in. What am I supposed to do with that information?" Bernardin, Dunfey said, is also convinced that the police possess Crane's infamous stash of self-produced amateur pornography.

The Andrea Yates Trial

Andrea Yates, on trial for the drowning of her five children in the bathtub of their Houston home, has pleaded not guilty by reason of insanity. What do you think?
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Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

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