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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Ultimate Fighting Championship's Popularity

As Ultimate Fighting continues its phenomenal rise, Onion Sports runs down the most commonly cited reasons for the sport's popularity:

America's deep abiding interest in Brazilian jiu-jitsu

Professional wrestling fans like to relax and watch it after long hard days of suspending their disbelief

The fact that this shit is actually legal

Accidentally TiVo'd by people hoping to watch the Ultimate Frisbee Championship

Are heterosexual males; nothing more heterosexual than watching a well-muscled man force himself between another man's legs, mount him, and pound away at him until he submits

Because the ability to escape an arm bar isn't merely a fighting technique but a metaphor for how, in these difficult times, all Americans are trying their best to escape

Unlike many sports, has useful applications in one's home and workplace

Nice to see someone else getting their ass kicked for once

Easy touchstone for doomsayers decrying the degradation of American culture

Although detractors decry it as a brutal, bloody form of human cockfighting, aficionados know it is a brutal, bloody, totally fucking awesome form of human cockfighting

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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