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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Ultimate Fighting Championship's Popularity

As Ultimate Fighting continues its phenomenal rise, Onion Sports runs down the most commonly cited reasons for the sport's popularity:

America's deep abiding interest in Brazilian jiu-jitsu

Professional wrestling fans like to relax and watch it after long hard days of suspending their disbelief

The fact that this shit is actually legal

Accidentally TiVo'd by people hoping to watch the Ultimate Frisbee Championship

Are heterosexual males; nothing more heterosexual than watching a well-muscled man force himself between another man's legs, mount him, and pound away at him until he submits

Because the ability to escape an arm bar isn't merely a fighting technique but a metaphor for how, in these difficult times, all Americans are trying their best to escape

Unlike many sports, has useful applications in one's home and workplace

Nice to see someone else getting their ass kicked for once

Easy touchstone for doomsayers decrying the degradation of American culture

Although detractors decry it as a brutal, bloody form of human cockfighting, aficionados know it is a brutal, bloody, totally fucking awesome form of human cockfighting

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