Unbreakable Records

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Unbreakable Records

The assault on the home-run record is all the more remarkable when one considers that it was once thought unbreakable. Onion Sports looks at sports milestones that in all likelihood will stand forever:

Ty Cobb's .366 career batting average: Cobb's amazing feat was accomplished mostly through sheer racism; racism abolished from baseball in 1947

Cy Young's 511 wins: This record holds the all-time record for being on the most "unbreakable records" lists

Wilt Chamberlain's 100-point game:  Will never be broken because today's NBA stars are team-oriented players who are not interested in selfishly accumulating individual accomplishments

Mickey Mantle's 600-foot homerun: No steroid can match the strength of whiskey

Carl Lewis' gold medal in 1984 Olympics 100-meter dash: Olympic officials confirm this event has been over for more than 20 years

Amateur golfer Jack Gosch's two holes-in-one on two consecutive shots: Though Tiger Woods has come close, no one has ever gotten two holes-in-one on a single shot

Richard Petty's 200 career racing wins: No driver has come close to Petty's record since NASCAR implemented "rules" in 1995

Johnny Unitas' 47 consecutive games with a touchdown pass: Secret to passing accuracy contained in flattop haircut; today's players unwilling to make that ultimate sacrifice

Cal Ripken Jr.'s 2,632 consecutive games played: No other player will ever have the desire to show up to the ballpark that often


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