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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Unbreakable Records

The assault on the home-run record is all the more remarkable when one considers that it was once thought unbreakable. Onion Sports looks at sports milestones that in all likelihood will stand forever:

Ty Cobb's .366 career batting average: Cobb's amazing feat was accomplished mostly through sheer racism; racism abolished from baseball in 1947

Cy Young's 511 wins: This record holds the all-time record for being on the most "unbreakable records" lists

Wilt Chamberlain's 100-point game:  Will never be broken because today's NBA stars are team-oriented players who are not interested in selfishly accumulating individual accomplishments

Mickey Mantle's 600-foot homerun: No steroid can match the strength of whiskey

Carl Lewis' gold medal in 1984 Olympics 100-meter dash: Olympic officials confirm this event has been over for more than 20 years

Amateur golfer Jack Gosch's two holes-in-one on two consecutive shots: Though Tiger Woods has come close, no one has ever gotten two holes-in-one on a single shot

Richard Petty's 200 career racing wins: No driver has come close to Petty's record since NASCAR implemented "rules" in 1995

Johnny Unitas' 47 consecutive games with a touchdown pass: Secret to passing accuracy contained in flattop haircut; today's players unwilling to make that ultimate sacrifice

Cal Ripken Jr.'s 2,632 consecutive games played: No other player will ever have the desire to show up to the ballpark that often

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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