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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Undefeated NFL Teams, So Far

There are still seven undefeated teams in the NFL, and as usual, they're not the ones you might expect. What are their chances of staying that way?

  • New York Jets: Their focus is entirely on the Super Bowl this year, so expect them to lose every game until they get to that one
  • Buffalo Bills: This might be the year Ryan Fitzpatrick's game finally takes a leap and he carries the Bills to the promised land, which is to say he could throw a few less interceptions and the team might finish third in its division
  • Houston Texans: Have taken a great first step by being the only team in their state to not have Tony Romo
  • Washington Redskins: The Redskins are the new Broncos, but not the new "new Broncos"—they are terrible—the older, better Broncos, who were really just a model of the then-Packers/49ers/Cowboys and really a lot of the teams of that time; in short, the Redskins are a football team
  • Green Bay Packers: With the best offense and best defense, the only way they’ll lose is if they get bored and start trying some really weird shit on the field
  • Detroit Lions: Got to this point with an offense that is second behind the Bills in points scored, which is another way of saying that it is only week two
  • New England Patriots: Will probably go undefeated, because fuck us all

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