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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Undefeated NFL Teams, So Far

There are still seven undefeated teams in the NFL, and as usual, they're not the ones you might expect. What are their chances of staying that way?

  • New York Jets: Their focus is entirely on the Super Bowl this year, so expect them to lose every game until they get to that one
  • Buffalo Bills: This might be the year Ryan Fitzpatrick's game finally takes a leap and he carries the Bills to the promised land, which is to say he could throw a few less interceptions and the team might finish third in its division
  • Houston Texans: Have taken a great first step by being the only team in their state to not have Tony Romo
  • Washington Redskins: The Redskins are the new Broncos, but not the new "new Broncos"—they are terrible—the older, better Broncos, who were really just a model of the then-Packers/49ers/Cowboys and really a lot of the teams of that time; in short, the Redskins are a football team
  • Green Bay Packers: With the best offense and best defense, the only way they’ll lose is if they get bored and start trying some really weird shit on the field
  • Detroit Lions: Got to this point with an offense that is second behind the Bills in points scored, which is another way of saying that it is only week two
  • New England Patriots: Will probably go undefeated, because fuck us all

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