adBlockCheck

Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
End Of Section
  • More News

Undefeated NFL Teams, So Far

There are still seven undefeated teams in the NFL, and as usual, they're not the ones you might expect. What are their chances of staying that way?

  • New York Jets: Their focus is entirely on the Super Bowl this year, so expect them to lose every game until they get to that one
  • Buffalo Bills: This might be the year Ryan Fitzpatrick's game finally takes a leap and he carries the Bills to the promised land, which is to say he could throw a few less interceptions and the team might finish third in its division
  • Houston Texans: Have taken a great first step by being the only team in their state to not have Tony Romo
  • Washington Redskins: The Redskins are the new Broncos, but not the new "new Broncos"—they are terrible—the older, better Broncos, who were really just a model of the then-Packers/49ers/Cowboys and really a lot of the teams of that time; in short, the Redskins are a football team
  • Green Bay Packers: With the best offense and best defense, the only way they’ll lose is if they get bored and start trying some really weird shit on the field
  • Detroit Lions: Got to this point with an offense that is second behind the Bills in points scored, which is another way of saying that it is only week two
  • New England Patriots: Will probably go undefeated, because fuck us all

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close