Undefeated NFL Teams, So Far

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Undefeated NFL Teams, So Far

There are still seven undefeated teams in the NFL, and as usual, they're not the ones you might expect. What are their chances of staying that way?

  • New York Jets: Their focus is entirely on the Super Bowl this year, so expect them to lose every game until they get to that one
  • Buffalo Bills: This might be the year Ryan Fitzpatrick's game finally takes a leap and he carries the Bills to the promised land, which is to say he could throw a few less interceptions and the team might finish third in its division
  • Houston Texans: Have taken a great first step by being the only team in their state to not have Tony Romo
  • Washington Redskins: The Redskins are the new Broncos, but not the new "new Broncos"—they are terrible—the older, better Broncos, who were really just a model of the then-Packers/49ers/Cowboys and really a lot of the teams of that time; in short, the Redskins are a football team
  • Green Bay Packers: With the best offense and best defense, the only way they’ll lose is if they get bored and start trying some really weird shit on the field
  • Detroit Lions: Got to this point with an offense that is second behind the Bills in points scored, which is another way of saying that it is only week two
  • New England Patriots: Will probably go undefeated, because fuck us all


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