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Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine

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National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America
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Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine

Tensions are running high between Ukraine and Russia following the ouster of Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych and the invasion of Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula by Russian forces. Here is a primer to help understand the complex developments currently taking place in a region of the world that many Americans are unfamiliar with:

  1. Key pipelines capable of transporting at least two or three wars’ worth of natural gas from Russia to Europe
  2. Rampant overfishing problem—let’s not forget about that
  3. You are here
  4. Place that Mark stopped by when he did study abroad two years ago. He didn’t stay too long, but if you’re looking for a hostel I’m sure he’d be happy to recommend one to you. He loved it there.
  5. Future site of memorial dedicated to hundreds of massacred Ukrainians
  6. Region that, in an ideal world—and we’re speaking totally hypothetically here—Putin would like to annex and control
  7. Arbitrary, haphazard line drawn in 1954 that will almost certainly cause the deaths of thousands
  8. Size of Texas
  9. Appleton, Ukraine: Largest ethnic Midwest population outside Wisconsin
  10. Dying embers of the Olympic spirit
  11. Location of most plentiful ukrainium reserves
  12. Besarabsky Market: This vibrant, tourist-friendly hub in Kiev is likely what most of the fighting is about
  13. Crimean city currently caught in crossfire between uninformed commenters on CNN.com

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