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Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine

Tensions are running high between Ukraine and Russia following the ouster of Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych and the invasion of Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula by Russian forces. Here is a primer to help understand the complex developments currently taking place in a region of the world that many Americans are unfamiliar with:

  1. Key pipelines capable of transporting at least two or three wars’ worth of natural gas from Russia to Europe
  2. Rampant overfishing problem—let’s not forget about that
  3. You are here
  4. Place that Mark stopped by when he did study abroad two years ago. He didn’t stay too long, but if you’re looking for a hostel I’m sure he’d be happy to recommend one to you. He loved it there.
  5. Future site of memorial dedicated to hundreds of massacred Ukrainians
  6. Region that, in an ideal world—and we’re speaking totally hypothetically here—Putin would like to annex and control
  7. Arbitrary, haphazard line drawn in 1954 that will almost certainly cause the deaths of thousands
  8. Size of Texas
  9. Appleton, Ukraine: Largest ethnic Midwest population outside Wisconsin
  10. Dying embers of the Olympic spirit
  11. Location of most plentiful ukrainium reserves
  12. Besarabsky Market: This vibrant, tourist-friendly hub in Kiev is likely what most of the fighting is about
  13. Crimean city currently caught in crossfire between uninformed commenters on CNN.com

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