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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine

Tensions are running high between Ukraine and Russia following the ouster of Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych and the invasion of Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula by Russian forces. Here is a primer to help understand the complex developments currently taking place in a region of the world that many Americans are unfamiliar with:

  1. Key pipelines capable of transporting at least two or three wars’ worth of natural gas from Russia to Europe
  2. Rampant overfishing problem—let’s not forget about that
  3. You are here
  4. Place that Mark stopped by when he did study abroad two years ago. He didn’t stay too long, but if you’re looking for a hostel I’m sure he’d be happy to recommend one to you. He loved it there.
  5. Future site of memorial dedicated to hundreds of massacred Ukrainians
  6. Region that, in an ideal world—and we’re speaking totally hypothetically here—Putin would like to annex and control
  7. Arbitrary, haphazard line drawn in 1954 that will almost certainly cause the deaths of thousands
  8. Size of Texas
  9. Appleton, Ukraine: Largest ethnic Midwest population outside Wisconsin
  10. Dying embers of the Olympic spirit
  11. Location of most plentiful ukrainium reserves
  12. Besarabsky Market: This vibrant, tourist-friendly hub in Kiev is likely what most of the fighting is about
  13. Crimean city currently caught in crossfire between uninformed commenters on CNN.com

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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