Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine

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Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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Understanding The Crisis In Ukraine

Tensions are running high between Ukraine and Russia following the ouster of Ukrainian president Viktor Yanukovych and the invasion of Ukraine’s Crimean peninsula by Russian forces. Here is a primer to help understand the complex developments currently taking place in a region of the world that many Americans are unfamiliar with:

  1. Key pipelines capable of transporting at least two or three wars’ worth of natural gas from Russia to Europe
  2. Rampant overfishing problem—let’s not forget about that
  3. You are here
  4. Place that Mark stopped by when he did study abroad two years ago. He didn’t stay too long, but if you’re looking for a hostel I’m sure he’d be happy to recommend one to you. He loved it there.
  5. Future site of memorial dedicated to hundreds of massacred Ukrainians
  6. Region that, in an ideal world—and we’re speaking totally hypothetically here—Putin would like to annex and control
  7. Arbitrary, haphazard line drawn in 1954 that will almost certainly cause the deaths of thousands
  8. Size of Texas
  9. Appleton, Ukraine: Largest ethnic Midwest population outside Wisconsin
  10. Dying embers of the Olympic spirit
  11. Location of most plentiful ukrainium reserves
  12. Besarabsky Market: This vibrant, tourist-friendly hub in Kiev is likely what most of the fighting is about
  13. Crimean city currently caught in crossfire between uninformed commenters on

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