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Understanding The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Understanding The Israeli-Palestinian Conflict

Tensions have quickly escalated in Gaza following the recent collapse of peace talks and the subsequent kidnappings and murders of Israeli and Palestinian teens, with Israeli citizens now threatened by daily rocket fire from Hamas while Gaza residents endure the Israeli military’s devastating airstrikes. Here is a primer to help you understand the latest conflict in the region:

  1. Palestinian neighborhood/future Israeli neighborhood
  2. Beautiful mural of three guys who blew up a bus
  3. Vast archives of past ceasefire agreements
  4. Hamas rocket platform and elementary school
  5. Territorially ambiguous pile of rubble
  6. Defensive layer of air put in place to protect Palestine
  7. Location where 65 consecutive years of violence recently broke out
  8. Angry, unemployed youth getting martyrdom pitch
  9. Tiny new settlements budding in rich West Bank soil
  10. Nonrefundable tour group just plowing ahead with this trip
  11. Best place to shout “Why?” into the smoke-filled sky
  12. Starcrossed Israeli-Palestinian lovers stealing a fleeting, tender kiss in the night
  13. 2296 Armistice lines

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