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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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Understanding The Situation In Iraq

Violence has escalated in Iraq in recent weeks as the Sunni Islamist militant group ISIS has seized control of numerous cities and continued its advance toward the capital, Baghdad. Here is a primer to help understand the ongoing developments in the troubled nation:

  1. Valley gouged into earth by retreating Iraqi troops
  2. Truck not slowing down for checkpoint
  3. Ethnic, religious lines
  4. Field of wind turbines that this whole thing is really about
  5. Tantalizing mirage of sectarian unity
  6. Spot where American soldier lost four of his buddies for some vague, difficult-to-recall reason
  7. Lesser headache
  8. Brutal Chevron/BP infighting
  9. Charred remains of democracy
  10. Child given sweets by U.S. soldiers in 2006 steadying rocket launcher on shoulder
  11. Ancient Mesopotamian site known as the Cradle Of Disagreement
  12. Budding terrorist group we’ll have to worry about next year
  13. Lone Haliburton employee trying to rebuild entire nation
  14. NYU Basra Campus
  15. Area U.S. currently hoping to avoid at all costs

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