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Understanding The Situation In Iraq

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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Understanding The Situation In Iraq

Violence has escalated in Iraq in recent weeks as the Sunni Islamist militant group ISIS has seized control of numerous cities and continued its advance toward the capital, Baghdad. Here is a primer to help understand the ongoing developments in the troubled nation:

  1. Valley gouged into earth by retreating Iraqi troops
  2. Truck not slowing down for checkpoint
  3. Ethnic, religious lines
  4. Field of wind turbines that this whole thing is really about
  5. Tantalizing mirage of sectarian unity
  6. Spot where American soldier lost four of his buddies for some vague, difficult-to-recall reason
  7. Lesser headache
  8. Brutal Chevron/BP infighting
  9. Charred remains of democracy
  10. Child given sweets by U.S. soldiers in 2006 steadying rocket launcher on shoulder
  11. Ancient Mesopotamian site known as the Cradle Of Disagreement
  12. Budding terrorist group we’ll have to worry about next year
  13. Lone Haliburton employee trying to rebuild entire nation
  14. NYU Basra Campus
  15. Area U.S. currently hoping to avoid at all costs

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