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How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

A Primer On Everyday Sexism

Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination

Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters

WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Tim Kaine Found Riding Conveyor Belt During Factory Campaign Stop

AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.

Why Don’t People Like Hillary Clinton?

Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Universal Options Hasbro

Universal Studios signed a six-year, four-picture deal with Hasbro that will dip into the popular toy manufacturer's game catalog to produce movie adaptations. Here are the plots of some of the games that are being developed right now:

Battleship: Terrorists threaten to destroy the entire U.S. naval fleet after stealing the top-secret coordinates when a foolish admiral gets up to go to the bathroom.

Operation: A drunken transient is kidnapped and subjected to torturous medical experiments that include injecting live butterflies into his gastrointestinal tract.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: A team of ivory-white explorers travels to Zambia to document rumors of ravenous flesh-eating hippos. Running time: four seconds.

Jenga: Paul Jenga, a struggling building contractor, skimps on stability and safety precautions to build the ultimate skyscraper for a wealthy investor.

Yahtzee: Teens in a small town summon a monster by shouting "Yahtzee!" three times. Can they roll five sixes to trap it in time?

Connect Four: After years of dealing with infidelity and divorce, four African-American women meet up to discuss their lives and the bumps along the way.

Trouble: Citizens of a dystopian future engage in deadly combat dictated by the almighty and vengeful Pop-O-Matic Bubble in the center of town.

Barrel Of Monkeys: A Beverly Hills matriarch's antique-barrel auction win turns the house upside down as 12 interconnected, incontinent monkeys wreak havoc!

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