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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Universal Options Hasbro

Universal Studios signed a six-year, four-picture deal with Hasbro that will dip into the popular toy manufacturer's game catalog to produce movie adaptations. Here are the plots of some of the games that are being developed right now:

Battleship: Terrorists threaten to destroy the entire U.S. naval fleet after stealing the top-secret coordinates when a foolish admiral gets up to go to the bathroom.

Operation: A drunken transient is kidnapped and subjected to torturous medical experiments that include injecting live butterflies into his gastrointestinal tract.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: A team of ivory-white explorers travels to Zambia to document rumors of ravenous flesh-eating hippos. Running time: four seconds.

Jenga: Paul Jenga, a struggling building contractor, skimps on stability and safety precautions to build the ultimate skyscraper for a wealthy investor.

Yahtzee: Teens in a small town summon a monster by shouting "Yahtzee!" three times. Can they roll five sixes to trap it in time?

Connect Four: After years of dealing with infidelity and divorce, four African-American women meet up to discuss their lives and the bumps along the way.

Trouble: Citizens of a dystopian future engage in deadly combat dictated by the almighty and vengeful Pop-O-Matic Bubble in the center of town.

Barrel Of Monkeys: A Beverly Hills matriarch's antique-barrel auction win turns the house upside down as 12 interconnected, incontinent monkeys wreak havoc!

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