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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.
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Universal Options Hasbro

Universal Studios signed a six-year, four-picture deal with Hasbro that will dip into the popular toy manufacturer's game catalog to produce movie adaptations. Here are the plots of some of the games that are being developed right now:

Battleship: Terrorists threaten to destroy the entire U.S. naval fleet after stealing the top-secret coordinates when a foolish admiral gets up to go to the bathroom.

Operation: A drunken transient is kidnapped and subjected to torturous medical experiments that include injecting live butterflies into his gastrointestinal tract.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: A team of ivory-white explorers travels to Zambia to document rumors of ravenous flesh-eating hippos. Running time: four seconds.

Jenga: Paul Jenga, a struggling building contractor, skimps on stability and safety precautions to build the ultimate skyscraper for a wealthy investor.

Yahtzee: Teens in a small town summon a monster by shouting "Yahtzee!" three times. Can they roll five sixes to trap it in time?

Connect Four: After years of dealing with infidelity and divorce, four African-American women meet up to discuss their lives and the bumps along the way.

Trouble: Citizens of a dystopian future engage in deadly combat dictated by the almighty and vengeful Pop-O-Matic Bubble in the center of town.

Barrel Of Monkeys: A Beverly Hills matriarch's antique-barrel auction win turns the house upside down as 12 interconnected, incontinent monkeys wreak havoc!

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