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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Universal Options Hasbro

Universal Studios signed a six-year, four-picture deal with Hasbro that will dip into the popular toy manufacturer's game catalog to produce movie adaptations. Here are the plots of some of the games that are being developed right now:

Battleship: Terrorists threaten to destroy the entire U.S. naval fleet after stealing the top-secret coordinates when a foolish admiral gets up to go to the bathroom.

Operation: A drunken transient is kidnapped and subjected to torturous medical experiments that include injecting live butterflies into his gastrointestinal tract.

Hungry Hungry Hippos: A team of ivory-white explorers travels to Zambia to document rumors of ravenous flesh-eating hippos. Running time: four seconds.

Jenga: Paul Jenga, a struggling building contractor, skimps on stability and safety precautions to build the ultimate skyscraper for a wealthy investor.

Yahtzee: Teens in a small town summon a monster by shouting "Yahtzee!" three times. Can they roll five sixes to trap it in time?

Connect Four: After years of dealing with infidelity and divorce, four African-American women meet up to discuss their lives and the bumps along the way.

Trouble: Citizens of a dystopian future engage in deadly combat dictated by the almighty and vengeful Pop-O-Matic Bubble in the center of town.

Barrel Of Monkeys: A Beverly Hills matriarch's antique-barrel auction win turns the house upside down as 12 interconnected, incontinent monkeys wreak havoc!

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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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