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Unorthodox Mascot Hijinks

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Unorthodox Mascot Hijinks

Ohio fans were taken aback last weekend when their mascot, Rufus Bobcat, attacked Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye without provocation. But sports has seen stranger mascot moments.

  • 1904: A mountain lion storms the Penn State football field and attacks several players and cheerleaders, riling up the crowd in a new, exciting way
  • 1986: The Bears' William "The Refrigerator" Perry becomes the first mascot ever to score a touchdown in the Super Bowl
  • 1990: During halftime, Benny the Bull does a hilarious rendition of Neil Simon's Barefoot In The Park
  • 1992: The Notre Dame Leprechaun approaches a man in a Michigan shirt and shoots him point-blank in the head
  • 1993: The significance of Michael Jordan's first three-peat is completely lost on 9-year-old Daniel Bouton, who is unable to get over the fact that he saw the Suns Gorilla dunk from the three-point line at halftime
  • 1996: Hundreds of children are scarred for life upon seeing Green Bay mascot Peter Packer, a macrocephalic butcher in a bloody apron who wields a giant foam cleaver in each hand
  • 2004: The NCAA rounds up the nation's last remaining Native American mascots and forces them to march to a reserved storage room at the Hall of Champions in Indianapolis. Due to harsh conditions, almost half die en route
  • 2008: Lovable Brewers mascot Hungry Prince Fielder delights the crowd during the seventh-inning stretch when he chases five giant sausages all the way around the Miller Park infield

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