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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Unorthodox Mascot Hijinks

Ohio fans were taken aback last weekend when their mascot, Rufus Bobcat, attacked Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye without provocation. But sports has seen stranger mascot moments.

  • 1904: A mountain lion storms the Penn State football field and attacks several players and cheerleaders, riling up the crowd in a new, exciting way
  • 1986: The Bears' William "The Refrigerator" Perry becomes the first mascot ever to score a touchdown in the Super Bowl
  • 1990: During halftime, Benny the Bull does a hilarious rendition of Neil Simon's Barefoot In The Park
  • 1992: The Notre Dame Leprechaun approaches a man in a Michigan shirt and shoots him point-blank in the head
  • 1993: The significance of Michael Jordan's first three-peat is completely lost on 9-year-old Daniel Bouton, who is unable to get over the fact that he saw the Suns Gorilla dunk from the three-point line at halftime
  • 1996: Hundreds of children are scarred for life upon seeing Green Bay mascot Peter Packer, a macrocephalic butcher in a bloody apron who wields a giant foam cleaver in each hand
  • 2004: The NCAA rounds up the nation's last remaining Native American mascots and forces them to march to a reserved storage room at the Hall of Champions in Indianapolis. Due to harsh conditions, almost half die en route
  • 2008: Lovable Brewers mascot Hungry Prince Fielder delights the crowd during the seventh-inning stretch when he chases five giant sausages all the way around the Miller Park infield

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