adBlockCheck

Sports

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
End Of Section
  • More News

Unorthodox Mascot Hijinks

Ohio fans were taken aback last weekend when their mascot, Rufus Bobcat, attacked Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye without provocation. But sports has seen stranger mascot moments.

  • 1904: A mountain lion storms the Penn State football field and attacks several players and cheerleaders, riling up the crowd in a new, exciting way
  • 1986: The Bears' William "The Refrigerator" Perry becomes the first mascot ever to score a touchdown in the Super Bowl
  • 1990: During halftime, Benny the Bull does a hilarious rendition of Neil Simon's Barefoot In The Park
  • 1992: The Notre Dame Leprechaun approaches a man in a Michigan shirt and shoots him point-blank in the head
  • 1993: The significance of Michael Jordan's first three-peat is completely lost on 9-year-old Daniel Bouton, who is unable to get over the fact that he saw the Suns Gorilla dunk from the three-point line at halftime
  • 1996: Hundreds of children are scarred for life upon seeing Green Bay mascot Peter Packer, a macrocephalic butcher in a bloody apron who wields a giant foam cleaver in each hand
  • 2004: The NCAA rounds up the nation's last remaining Native American mascots and forces them to march to a reserved storage room at the Hall of Champions in Indianapolis. Due to harsh conditions, almost half die en route
  • 2008: Lovable Brewers mascot Hungry Prince Fielder delights the crowd during the seventh-inning stretch when he chases five giant sausages all the way around the Miller Park infield

More from this section

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close