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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Unorthodox Mascot Hijinks

Ohio fans were taken aback last weekend when their mascot, Rufus Bobcat, attacked Ohio State's Brutus Buckeye without provocation. But sports has seen stranger mascot moments.

  • 1904: A mountain lion storms the Penn State football field and attacks several players and cheerleaders, riling up the crowd in a new, exciting way
  • 1986: The Bears' William "The Refrigerator" Perry becomes the first mascot ever to score a touchdown in the Super Bowl
  • 1990: During halftime, Benny the Bull does a hilarious rendition of Neil Simon's Barefoot In The Park
  • 1992: The Notre Dame Leprechaun approaches a man in a Michigan shirt and shoots him point-blank in the head
  • 1993: The significance of Michael Jordan's first three-peat is completely lost on 9-year-old Daniel Bouton, who is unable to get over the fact that he saw the Suns Gorilla dunk from the three-point line at halftime
  • 1996: Hundreds of children are scarred for life upon seeing Green Bay mascot Peter Packer, a macrocephalic butcher in a bloody apron who wields a giant foam cleaver in each hand
  • 2004: The NCAA rounds up the nation's last remaining Native American mascots and forces them to march to a reserved storage room at the Hall of Champions in Indianapolis. Due to harsh conditions, almost half die en route
  • 2008: Lovable Brewers mascot Hungry Prince Fielder delights the crowd during the seventh-inning stretch when he chases five giant sausages all the way around the Miller Park infield

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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