adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Unreported News Stories Of 2006

The Onion ranks the year's most important news items that never made it to the front page:

Feb. 27: Iran gets universal health care

March 19: A dog and a cat coexist peacefully in same bookstore

April 14: Ashlee Simpson claims four dependents on tax returns

April 22: Rupert Murdoch retreats to opulent estate after failure of personally financed opera starring his untrained wife

Aug. 9: Small, boring genocide of only about 23,000 Africans

Oct. 12: New law exempts owners of boats over 30 feet from paying taxes

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close