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Unsolved Hip-Hop Crimes

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.
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Unsolved Hip-Hop Crimes

Now that a suspect has finally been named in the 2002 killing of Jam Master Jay, police have turned their attention to other unsolved hip-hop crimes. Here are some that are currently under investigation.

Theft of Ludacris' Jet Ski in 2004

The death of Big Pun, caused by unknown fast food chain or chains

Notorious incident at Diddy's 2004 White Party when an unidentified vandal purposely brought extra-saucy ribs that completely ruined the ivory tableau

Unsolved disappearance of the third Fugee

Two hundred million dollars that fell out of Jay-Z's pocket during a Nets game is, at press time, unreturned

Continued refusal of Kool Keith's estranged super-galactic lover to abide by the restraining order against her

Numerous members of the Chamillitary are AWOL and subject to court-martial

Two masked assailants shot Bushwick Bill on the operating table while he was being treated for an earlier shooting

The continual disappearance of 50 Cent's newspaper from the stoop of his $4.1 million Connecticut mansion

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