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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Unsolved Hip-Hop Crimes

Now that a suspect has finally been named in the 2002 killing of Jam Master Jay, police have turned their attention to other unsolved hip-hop crimes. Here are some that are currently under investigation.

Theft of Ludacris' Jet Ski in 2004

The death of Big Pun, caused by unknown fast food chain or chains

Notorious incident at Diddy's 2004 White Party when an unidentified vandal purposely brought extra-saucy ribs that completely ruined the ivory tableau

Unsolved disappearance of the third Fugee

Two hundred million dollars that fell out of Jay-Z's pocket during a Nets game is, at press time, unreturned

Continued refusal of Kool Keith's estranged super-galactic lover to abide by the restraining order against her

Numerous members of the Chamillitary are AWOL and subject to court-martial

Two masked assailants shot Bushwick Bill on the operating table while he was being treated for an earlier shooting

The continual disappearance of 50 Cent's newspaper from the stoop of his $4.1 million Connecticut mansion

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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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