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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Unsolved Hip-Hop Crimes

Now that a suspect has finally been named in the 2002 killing of Jam Master Jay, police have turned their attention to other unsolved hip-hop crimes. Here are some that are currently under investigation.

Theft of Ludacris' Jet Ski in 2004

The death of Big Pun, caused by unknown fast food chain or chains

Notorious incident at Diddy's 2004 White Party when an unidentified vandal purposely brought extra-saucy ribs that completely ruined the ivory tableau

Unsolved disappearance of the third Fugee

Two hundred million dollars that fell out of Jay-Z's pocket during a Nets game is, at press time, unreturned

Continued refusal of Kool Keith's estranged super-galactic lover to abide by the restraining order against her

Numerous members of the Chamillitary are AWOL and subject to court-martial

Two masked assailants shot Bushwick Bill on the operating table while he was being treated for an earlier shooting

The continual disappearance of 50 Cent's newspaper from the stoop of his $4.1 million Connecticut mansion

More from this section

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

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