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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Unwritten Rules Of Baseball

Baseball is a sport rich in tradition, and many of its most sacred rules and practices are passed from player to player. Onion Sports lists the most revered of baseball's unwritten rules:

  • Never go underneath the catcher's legs when entering the batter's box
  • A manager should be detached from the players and never once talk to or acknowledge them during the regular season
  • When a ball is hit directly up into the sky, it is customary to locate yourself beneath the downward trajectory of the ball and attempt to have it land in your glove
  • Speaking about a perfect game or no-hitter in progress is strictly forbidden; instead, gesture wildly at the scoreboard so your pitcher knows what's at stake
  • Many find it surprising, but there is no rule stating you have to wear a helmet while batting—baseball players are just superstitious
  • Secret of the infield fly rule must be kept from outsiders
  • It's bad luck to speak with a pitcher who is in the middle of his windup
  • If a batter hits a home run, the pitcher is allowed to pelt him with baseballs for the rest of his life
  • In a bench-clearing brawl, do not punch the batboy unless you are an opposing batboy or down more than 10 runs

More from this section

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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