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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Upcoming Athlete Biopics

Hollywood is still obsessed with sports, as these life stories of athletes now in production demonstrate.

  • Belichick On Belichick—In this rare, intimate look inside the mind of one of football's most enigmatic coaches, Bill Belichick stares unblinking at the camera lens for 210 minutes. Music by Diplo
  • Grand-Slammed—Günter Parche is a German tennis fanatic whose love for the sport is so intense that people want to hold him back. Follow the journey of one man's conquest over those who try to prevent him from stabbing Monica Seles
  • Dude, Where's My Medal?—The classic athlete biopic gets the buddy-comedy treatment as Michael Phelps and Tim Lincecum pair up in search of a gold medal Phelps lost after a night they'll never forget—if only they could remember it!
  • For What It's Werth—The story of outfielder Jayson Werth comes to life for no reason other than that some industry executive thought of the title
  • Always On The Outside—Director James Mangold desperately tries to paint Mark Price as an outsider and relate that to shooting three-pointers
  • Admiral Of The Air—David Robinson's life story is reworked for Christian Laettner after Robinson drops out of the project for personal reasons
  • Harper—Film about former shooting guard Ron Harper that suggests it was Harper, not Michael Jordan, who led the Bulls to six NBA titles, quit basketball to play baseball, and clutched the championship trophy while crying about his dead father
  • Making The Babe—This prequel to the 1992 film about Babe Ruth follows the lives of Kate Schamberger-Ruth and George Herman Ruth, Sr. as they decide whether or not to have children
  • West Meets East—Tells the story of Jerry West's secret 20-year leadership of the Hong Kong crime organization the Triads, and how he juggled that role with a professional basketball career

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