The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary guidelines to include four servings of someone else’s grains and cereals per day.
KANNAPOLIS, NC—Describing the practice as a fun way to liven up what are often routine and repetitive classes, local tae kwon do instructor Chris Fergus told reporters Friday he always gets a little thrill from partnering up two completely mismatched 8-year-olds during sparring sessions.
MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.
PHILADELPHIA—Thrusting backward on his chair’s casters while banking sharply to the left as if he were pulling hard on the control stick of an F/A-18C Hornet, local billing associate Erik Brison reportedly pushed away from his desk Tuesday like a Blue Angel breaking formation.
MILWAUKEE—Posing the question in a company-wide email Monday, Brandful Interactive marketing associate Peter Schulte reportedly inquired whether any of his colleagues were interested in laying bare their physical inadequacies in a recreational basketball league this year.
CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.
WHEELING, WV—Sources at Kiskey High School confirmed that Mrs. Landrum’s seventh-period English class looked on in sympathy Wednesday as the teacher turned to face her students and inadvertently erased part of the whiteboard with her gigantic ass.
ORANGE, CA—Checking over his shoulder to make sure no one else was within earshot, area man Derek Jordan reportedly felt deeply ashamed of himself Wednesday after a cashier at a local fast-food restaurant read his order back to him.
OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
NEW YORK—Meeting up for drinks Monday after receiving a LinkedIn message from his former Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity brother, local marketing associate Danny Baylis reportedly said he would be happy to set up a job interview for Brian DiOrio, whom he once forced to chug a Solo cup full of his own urine.
ANACORTES, WA—Apologizing profusely throughout a gathering he was hosting at his home, local man Sam Kenrick was reportedly humiliated by his Wi-Fi’s poor behavior in front of several guests Thursday evening.
GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
CINCINNATI—Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window.
CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.
LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
COATESVILLE, PA—Calling his bowing and candle-work “sloppy at best,” parishioners at Holy Family Church told reporters yesterday that new altar boy Christopher Mains, 11, was clearly not ready for the spotlight of the 10 a.m. Sunday Mass.
LAUREL, MD—Noting that the 81-year-old is still in relatively good health to this day, sources reported Monday that elderly man Jonathan Eckman, who has outlived his wife by eight years now, must not have loved her very much.
UNION CITY, NJ—Saying the disturbing incident made him sick to his stomach, Subway shift manager Dean Haney told reporters Wednesday he was completely disgusted after seeing a Cold Cut Combo devour a large rat in the alley behind the restaurant.
SAN FRANCISCO—Slinking stealthily as he scanned the departure desk for any sudden movement, local man Aaron Smith reportedly prowled San Francisco International Airport’s gate 33 Friday like a jungle cat ready to pounce at the first sign of a boarding announcement.
COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—Saying the turn of events will greatly benefit the 17-year-old’s economic security, sources confirmed Friday that local high school senior Emily Harrison’s failure to get into the University of Southern California, a private academic institution, will be the single most financially responsible act of her entire life.
ROCHESTER, NY—Rushing to finish their errands and leave the premises as quickly as possible, every patron at the Eastview Mall reported Thursday that they were quietly dreading whatever has been planned for the empty stage erected near the south entrance of the shopping center.
ST. LOUIS—Noting that both she and your father thought everything about the place was just right up your alley, your mother confirmed Wednesday that she believes you’d really enjoy a new restaurant in town whose name she can’t quite remember at the moment.
NORRISTOWN, PA—Saying he wasn’t sure whether writing to them was even worth the effort at this point, local man Luke Browning expressed concern to reporters Tuesday that the offensive messages he’s been sending women through OkCupid are getting lost among all the harassment from other male users.
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Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!
NEW BRITAIN, CT—Explaining that the article did not meet the publication’s high standards, the editors of The Recorder, Central Connecticut State University’s student newspaper, confirmed Wednesday that the inaccuracy of every single detail forced them to pull the issue’s top story at the last minute.