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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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U.S. Headed For Fiscal Cliff

Unless Democrats and Republicans can reach an agreement by Jan. 1, 2013, the United States will go over the so-called “fiscal cliff,” triggering automatic spending cuts and tax increases that many experts believe could plunge the nation back into recession. Here is what will happen if the government fails to act:

  • National Park Service forced to cut Old Faithful eruptions down to once per week
  • Total breakdown of effective government will turn large parts of the country into an unimaginably hellish libertarian paradise
  • Severe cuts to education spending, if you can fathom that
  • Pentagon will be forced to buy off-brand tanks instead of the more costly name-brand ones
  • Historic bridges such as the Brooklyn and Golden Gate will be folded up and put away for safekeeping
  • The American people’s faith in the ability of Congress to get things done will be damaged
  • At stroke of midnight, every government office, place of work, center of commerce, and piece of infrastructure will simultaneously explode
  • Someone will take care of it
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