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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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U.S. Headed For Fiscal Cliff

Unless Democrats and Republicans can reach an agreement by Jan. 1, 2013, the United States will go over the so-called “fiscal cliff,” triggering automatic spending cuts and tax increases that many experts believe could plunge the nation back into recession. Here is what will happen if the government fails to act:

  • National Park Service forced to cut Old Faithful eruptions down to once per week
  • Total breakdown of effective government will turn large parts of the country into an unimaginably hellish libertarian paradise
  • Severe cuts to education spending, if you can fathom that
  • Pentagon will be forced to buy off-brand tanks instead of the more costly name-brand ones
  • Historic bridges such as the Brooklyn and Golden Gate will be folded up and put away for safekeeping
  • The American people’s faith in the ability of Congress to get things done will be damaged
  • At stroke of midnight, every government office, place of work, center of commerce, and piece of infrastructure will simultaneously explode
  • Someone will take care of it

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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