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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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U.S. Headed For Fiscal Cliff

Unless Democrats and Republicans can reach an agreement by Jan. 1, 2013, the United States will go over the so-called “fiscal cliff,” triggering automatic spending cuts and tax increases that many experts believe could plunge the nation back into recession. Here is what will happen if the government fails to act:

  • National Park Service forced to cut Old Faithful eruptions down to once per week
  • Total breakdown of effective government will turn large parts of the country into an unimaginably hellish libertarian paradise
  • Severe cuts to education spending, if you can fathom that
  • Pentagon will be forced to buy off-brand tanks instead of the more costly name-brand ones
  • Historic bridges such as the Brooklyn and Golden Gate will be folded up and put away for safekeeping
  • The American people’s faith in the ability of Congress to get things done will be damaged
  • At stroke of midnight, every government office, place of work, center of commerce, and piece of infrastructure will simultaneously explode
  • Someone will take care of it
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