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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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U.S. Headed For Fiscal Cliff

Unless Democrats and Republicans can reach an agreement by Jan. 1, 2013, the United States will go over the so-called “fiscal cliff,” triggering automatic spending cuts and tax increases that many experts believe could plunge the nation back into recession. Here is what will happen if the government fails to act:

  • National Park Service forced to cut Old Faithful eruptions down to once per week
  • Total breakdown of effective government will turn large parts of the country into an unimaginably hellish libertarian paradise
  • Severe cuts to education spending, if you can fathom that
  • Pentagon will be forced to buy off-brand tanks instead of the more costly name-brand ones
  • Historic bridges such as the Brooklyn and Golden Gate will be folded up and put away for safekeeping
  • The American people’s faith in the ability of Congress to get things done will be damaged
  • At stroke of midnight, every government office, place of work, center of commerce, and piece of infrastructure will simultaneously explode
  • Someone will take care of it

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