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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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U.S. Mortality Rate At All-Time Low

In 2009, the mortality rate in the United States fell 2.3 percent to 741 deaths per 100,000. Here are some of the factors behind the nation's lowest-ever death rate:

  • Ignoring that one week when everyone in Minneapolis died
  • Loading up boats with really sick people and sending them out to die in international waters
  • The so-called "741-per-100,000 Murderer" was captured and incarcerated
  • Dr. Christopher Walsh of Youngstown, OH started washing his hands
  • Horace Mann Middle School's 1971 removal of asbestos finally started to pay off
  • Good chunk of population now getting three nutritious meals a day via correctional facilities
  • Shorter bridges that make it easier for people to hold their breath all the way across
  • National Rounded-Scissors Act of 2008
  • None of this exists

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