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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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U.S. Mortality Rate At All-Time Low

In 2009, the mortality rate in the United States fell 2.3 percent to 741 deaths per 100,000. Here are some of the factors behind the nation's lowest-ever death rate:

  • Ignoring that one week when everyone in Minneapolis died
  • Loading up boats with really sick people and sending them out to die in international waters
  • The so-called "741-per-100,000 Murderer" was captured and incarcerated
  • Dr. Christopher Walsh of Youngstown, OH started washing his hands
  • Horace Mann Middle School's 1971 removal of asbestos finally started to pay off
  • Good chunk of population now getting three nutritious meals a day via correctional facilities
  • Shorter bridges that make it easier for people to hold their breath all the way across
  • National Rounded-Scissors Act of 2008
  • None of this exists
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