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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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U.S. Mortality Rate At All-Time Low

In 2009, the mortality rate in the United States fell 2.3 percent to 741 deaths per 100,000. Here are some of the factors behind the nation's lowest-ever death rate:

  • Ignoring that one week when everyone in Minneapolis died
  • Loading up boats with really sick people and sending them out to die in international waters
  • The so-called "741-per-100,000 Murderer" was captured and incarcerated
  • Dr. Christopher Walsh of Youngstown, OH started washing his hands
  • Horace Mann Middle School's 1971 removal of asbestos finally started to pay off
  • Good chunk of population now getting three nutritious meals a day via correctional facilities
  • Shorter bridges that make it easier for people to hold their breath all the way across
  • National Rounded-Scissors Act of 2008
  • None of this exists
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