U.S. Mortality Rate At All-Time Low

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Vol 47 Issue 12

The TuckScreen: Historical Documents Show Dream's Decline

People began to give up on the American Dream almost from the time it was created. Below, a letter from a riverboat porter written in 1901 shows some of the earliest written documentation of an American saying, "Fuck it, what's the point?" The ...

Message From The Mayor

A special message from Mayor Sue Hallinan: "Just wanted to let folks know that there's going to be a whole bunch of commotion down at Tuffy's this evening as several members of the national press will be in town. In case you haven't heard, our boy T...
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TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Race Relations

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

U.S. Mortality Rate At All-Time Low

In 2009, the mortality rate in the United States fell 2.3 percent to 741 deaths per 100,000. Here are some of the factors behind the nation's lowest-ever death rate:

  • Ignoring that one week when everyone in Minneapolis died
  • Loading up boats with really sick people and sending them out to die in international waters
  • The so-called "741-per-100,000 Murderer" was captured and incarcerated
  • Dr. Christopher Walsh of Youngstown, OH started washing his hands
  • Horace Mann Middle School's 1971 removal of asbestos finally started to pay off
  • Good chunk of population now getting three nutritious meals a day via correctional facilities
  • Shorter bridges that make it easier for people to hold their breath all the way across
  • National Rounded-Scissors Act of 2008
  • None of this exists
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