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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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US Postal Service To End Saturday Mail Delivery

The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays, a move officials say will save the struggling agency $2 billion per year. Here are other measures the post office is taking to balance its budget:

  • Shrewd new ad campaign preying on people’s desire to lick things
  • Looting any mail resembling a birthday card from a grandparent
  • Now accepting pipe bombs and anthrax for regular delivery
  • Eliminating all zip codes containing the number 5
  • Offering a free largemouth bass mailbox with the purchase of a USPS Premium account
  • Getting into human trafficking
  • Rebranding the agency as a hip new company known only as “The Service”
  • Launching new “Please, Anyone, For The Love Of God, Mail Something” series of commercials
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