adBlockCheck

US Postal Service To End Saturday Mail Delivery

Top Headlines

Recent News

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

US Postal Service To End Saturday Mail Delivery

The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays, a move officials say will save the struggling agency $2 billion per year. Here are other measures the post office is taking to balance its budget:

  • Shrewd new ad campaign preying on people’s desire to lick things
  • Looting any mail resembling a birthday card from a grandparent
  • Now accepting pipe bombs and anthrax for regular delivery
  • Eliminating all zip codes containing the number 5
  • Offering a free largemouth bass mailbox with the purchase of a USPS Premium account
  • Getting into human trafficking
  • Rebranding the agency as a hip new company known only as “The Service”
  • Launching new “Please, Anyone, For The Love Of God, Mail Something” series of commercials

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close