adBlockCheck

Recent News

Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
End Of Section
  • More News

US Postal Service To End Saturday Mail Delivery

The U.S. Postal Service announced this week that it would discontinue regular mail delivery on Saturdays, a move officials say will save the struggling agency $2 billion per year. Here are other measures the post office is taking to balance its budget:

  • Shrewd new ad campaign preying on people’s desire to lick things
  • Looting any mail resembling a birthday card from a grandparent
  • Now accepting pipe bombs and anthrax for regular delivery
  • Eliminating all zip codes containing the number 5
  • Offering a free largemouth bass mailbox with the purchase of a USPS Premium account
  • Getting into human trafficking
  • Rebranding the agency as a hip new company known only as “The Service”
  • Launching new “Please, Anyone, For The Love Of God, Mail Something” series of commercials

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close