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USC's Rules Violations

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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USC's Rules Violations

The NCAA says Reggie Bush took cash while playing for the Trojans, but that was hardly the only thing that came to light during its investigation of USC:

  • In 2001, the Trojans offered high school quarterback Matt Leinart illegal gifts to persuade him to come to USC, which the NCAA finds just plain embarrassing
  • University caught giving O.J. Mayo 16 academic scholarships for allegedly scoring 125,000 on the SATs
  • Motivated players by hanging bundles of cash from sticks, taping the sticks to their helmets so the cash dangles in front of them
  • Hundreds of recruits asked to give verbal commitment to the school while being held by their ankles and dangled from the Capitol Records building
  • Trojans celebrated BCS championship by dumping Gatorade bucket filled with Dom Pérignon on coach
  • Reggie Bush arrived to the 2005 Heisman Trophy ceremony in gold-plated tank
  • Hired professional soldiers of fortune to helicopter into Samoa, abduct several capable defenders, and bring them back to campus
  • Review of incident reveals that USC did a pretty good job fucking with Lane Kiffin, so the NCAA will reduce the bowl-eligibility penalty by one year

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