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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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USC's Rules Violations

The NCAA says Reggie Bush took cash while playing for the Trojans, but that was hardly the only thing that came to light during its investigation of USC:

  • In 2001, the Trojans offered high school quarterback Matt Leinart illegal gifts to persuade him to come to USC, which the NCAA finds just plain embarrassing
  • University caught giving O.J. Mayo 16 academic scholarships for allegedly scoring 125,000 on the SATs
  • Motivated players by hanging bundles of cash from sticks, taping the sticks to their helmets so the cash dangles in front of them
  • Hundreds of recruits asked to give verbal commitment to the school while being held by their ankles and dangled from the Capitol Records building
  • Trojans celebrated BCS championship by dumping Gatorade bucket filled with Dom Pérignon on coach
  • Reggie Bush arrived to the 2005 Heisman Trophy ceremony in gold-plated tank
  • Hired professional soldiers of fortune to helicopter into Samoa, abduct several capable defenders, and bring them back to campus
  • Review of incident reveals that USC did a pretty good job fucking with Lane Kiffin, so the NCAA will reduce the bowl-eligibility penalty by one year

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