USC's Rules Violations

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Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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USC's Rules Violations

The NCAA says Reggie Bush took cash while playing for the Trojans, but that was hardly the only thing that came to light during its investigation of USC:

  • In 2001, the Trojans offered high school quarterback Matt Leinart illegal gifts to persuade him to come to USC, which the NCAA finds just plain embarrassing
  • University caught giving O.J. Mayo 16 academic scholarships for allegedly scoring 125,000 on the SATs
  • Motivated players by hanging bundles of cash from sticks, taping the sticks to their helmets so the cash dangles in front of them
  • Hundreds of recruits asked to give verbal commitment to the school while being held by their ankles and dangled from the Capitol Records building
  • Trojans celebrated BCS championship by dumping Gatorade bucket filled with Dom Pérignon on coach
  • Reggie Bush arrived to the 2005 Heisman Trophy ceremony in gold-plated tank
  • Hired professional soldiers of fortune to helicopter into Samoa, abduct several capable defenders, and bring them back to campus
  • Review of incident reveals that USC did a pretty good job fucking with Lane Kiffin, so the NCAA will reduce the bowl-eligibility penalty by one year


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