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President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Tide Debuts New Sour Apple Detergent Pods

CINCINNATI—Calling it the perfect choice for consumers looking to add some tartness to their laundry, Procter and Gamble on Tuesday unveiled a new sour apple Tide detergent pod.

The iPhone Turns 10

A decade ago today, Apple released the iPhone and revolutionized the way humans use technology. Here’s a look back at the evolution of the iPhone:

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.
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Valentine's Day Specials

This time of year, couples can take advantage of the great Valentine's deals many businesses have to offer. Here are some of the bargains that are available:

  • JetBlue: Last-minute Elopers' Special fares to Reno or Las Vegas with coupon code HUGEMISTAKE
  • 1-800-Flowers: Bouquet of any kind guaranteed to be delivered at least two days late, and without apology or refund; applies to any order, ever, not just those on Valentine's Day
  • Frederick's of Hollywood: 10 percent off everything crotchless
  • T.G.I. Friday's: Free margaritas for every table that looks like the guy's having trouble closing the deal
  • Target: Half off candles you can light and enjoy until he comes home and says this place smells like a goddamn whorehouse and blows them out, throwing them in the trash before heading into the bedroom to play Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2
  • Sears Portrait Studio: Free after-hours erotic portrait session when you call Doug on his home phone
  • Rite Aid: Complimentary can of Axe body spray with every NuvaRing purchased
  • Thomas Kinkade Art Gallery: Available for a limited time only at the price of $499.49, a new original painting signed by Kinkade himself and titled "Fuckin' In The Snow"

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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

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