Venus Williams: 'I Only Wear Outfits My Dad Picks Out For Me'

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Content From 2010-05-28

Pigeon To Invoke Power Of Flight

DES MOINES, IA—Belying its dull and unimpressive appearance, a pigeon shall, in a matter of moments, summon the power of flight, and climb ever upward to taste the skies.

GOP Argues Against 9/11 Hero Care

Saying it might help people who were undeserving, Republican congressmen spoke out against a proposed health care program for rescue workers who responded to the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Existentialist Firefighter Delays 3 Deaths

SCHAUMBURG, IL—In an ultimately futile act some have described as courageous and others have called a mere postponing of the inevitable, existentialist firefighter James Farber delayed three deaths Monday, entering a burning home and prolonging its residents’ inevitable march toward oblivion.

Calderón's Communication Breakdown

When Mexican president Felipe Calderón spoke at the White House last week, the translation his office provided was grammatically incorrect and riddled with errors that sometimes changed his message altogether.

Chelsea Lately

E! 11 p.m. EDT/10 p.m. CDT While interviewing Anne Hathaway, Chelsea Handler does such a good job making fun of her that she brings herself to orgasm.

Boy Stops Worshipping Dad At Record Age Of 3

PAULDING, OH—Shattering the previous record by nearly six full years, area toddler Myles Palmer realized this week that his father was not in fact the towering symbol of manhood he had previously idolized.

White House Jester Beheaded For Making Fun Of Soaring National Debt

WASHINGTON—"For crimes of great arrogance and cheek, His Idiocy the White House Jester has been sentenced to a swift demise," said White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs. "Let it be heard over every city and suburb of this land that the National Debt is no topic for frivolity, and the mailed hand of Obama shall smite all offenders."

Well, It Looks Like My Work Here Has Been Successfully Avoided

At long last, it's five o'clock. Another day, another dollar, as they say, and I'm just about wrapping up. All that's left to do is switch off my desk lamp, grab my coat, and head home. Maybe when I get there, I'll have a beer. Nothing hits the spot like a nice cold beer after putting in a solid seven hours of shirking responsibility at the office.

NASCAR Considers Single 21,500 Mile Race For 2011 Season

CHARLOTTE, NC—Citing the need to cut travel and promotional costs while still providing a top-notch racing experience for fans, NASCAR president Mike Helton announced Thursday that the schedule for 2011 may consist of a single 21,500-mile event.

Latest 'Shrek' Weaker Than Last

Shrek Forever After, the latest installment in the animated children's franchise, grossed nearly $50 million less in its opening weekend than its predecessor.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

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