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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Virgin Unveils New Spaceship

Virgin Galactic, the space tourism venture run by Richard Branson, unveiled its new commercial sub-orbital spacecraft, the SpaceShip Two. Here are some of the features that can be found on the vessel:

Souvenir space helmets that emulate the look of Richard Branson's hair

Complimentary Yukon Gold potato chips

Everything an airplane has but with the word "space" in front of it

Ticker reading Branson's current net worth

Deluxe Tempur-Pedic mattresses, the space-age foam developed by NASA

Awesome robot sex

A "What To Do If You Accidentally Get Shot Into Space" safety video

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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