Voter Apathy

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Vol 30 Issue 09

Who Will Win the Base-Ball Matches?

My nurse informs me that it is now the autumn-time, which to every red-blooded American boy means the season in which the professional base-ball sporting clubs vie for a berth in the great Championship Series of the World. I predict that the Knickerbockers will give those accursed Red Stockings a sound thrashing. Of course, we can't count out the great Pie Traynor and his Philadelphia Peglegs.

Bitch Be Gettin' All That Way

DETROIT—Sources revealed Monday that Keshonda Lewis, a played-out, certified stank-ass ho from the Detroit area, be gettin' all that way. "Keshonda think she all that," said Tamika Wilson, 22, a one-time friend of Lewis'. "Well, I got news for you—she ain't." According to Wilson, Lewis "be all like, 'I'm Miss Thang,'" when, in fact, "None of the brothers around the way want a piece of that coochie." President Clinton declined comment on the situation.

Former Marine To Watch Lots Of TV

STOCKTON, CA—At a packed press conference Monday, former U.S. Marine Randy Barcynski unveiled his plans to watch lots of television in the coming months. "I am going to watch a hell of a lot of TV," announced the unemployed Barcynski, who served with the 57th Division in the Gulf War, earning two Silver Medals of Distinction. "The Price is Right, One Life to Live, Seinfeld, Cybill, ER—those are just some of the many, many shows I am going to watch." Barcynski added that among the new fall shows, Mr. Rhodes and Party Girl are his favorites, though he stressed that he would watch all the others as well, even those he dislikes. Added Barcynski, "You have no idea how much freaking TV I am going to watch."

Society Tea Party Spoiled By Ocelot

LONDON—A formal tea party, hosted by Lady Edwina Wolford-Bingham and attended by many of the finest members of London's high society, was spoiled Sunday by the appearance of an ocelot. "Oh, dear," said Lady Wolford-Bingham, whose father, Lord William Alfred Shropshire-Wolford, was a third cousin of Winston Churchill's. "There appears to be an ocelot at my tea party." In addition to "badly scratching" Lady Catherine Norwich Baker Putnam-Howe, the angry ocelot overturned a number of tables and broke an expensive vase.

Man Captures Ross Perot, Is Granted Three Wishes

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Area resident Darnell Tanner was granted three wishes Monday when he discovered and captured Reform Party presidential candidate Ross Perot in a magic pea patch. "I was just walking along when I saw something rustling among a clump of leaves," Tanner said. "I went closer, and there was Ross Perot, helping a group of tiny bees sprinkle fairy dust. I picked him up, and he told me I could have anything I wanted." According to Tanner, who has spent his first wish on a 50-foot yacht, the Texas billionaire's only condition was that he may never reveal the location of the secret pea patch. "Perot said that if I told anyone, I'd lose all my wishes and be banned from Pretty Pixie Land forever," Tanner said. "He also told me that it's time the American people had a government that worked for them."

Chinese, Ants Announce Alliance

BEIJING, CHINA—The people of China and the world ant community signed a treaty that will establish close relations between the two civilizations.

Me An' Cletus Is A-Feudin'

Shut yer tater trap and listen here— that consarned Cletus an' I is a-feudin' agin', and ain't nothin' on God's green Earth gonna stop me from tannin' his hide but good!

I Saw Fabio at RomantiCon '96!

Hate to say it, folks, but your old pal Jean had just about the lousiest summer since the Bay City Rollers canceled their show at the Schenck Ice Arena in June 1977!

The First Wives Phenomenon

The film The First Wives Club has all of America talking about the issue of men leaving their wives for younger women. Even Time magazine featured the movie's stars on its cover last week. What do you think about the film and the sensation it's causing?
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Voter Apathy

Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting?
Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting?

Despite many national campaigns to increase turnout, nearly half of all Americans eligible to vote are still staying home on Election Day. Why aren't we voting?

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