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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Voter Registration Efforts

As the election grows nearer, many organizations are out in full force to increase voter registration. What are they doing to encourage people to register?

U.S. Auto Manufacturers: Free voter registration and a gallon of gas with the purchase of any light truck or SUV

NOW: Free Grey's Anatomy poster rolled up with every registration form

Rock The Vote: Will spend fruitless hours explaining that you don't technically have to be liberal to be in favor of more people voting

AARP: Offering to register any senior who is able to not accidentally vote for Pat Buchanan

U.S. Army: Automatically registers and votes on behalf of any soldier whose deployment has been extended

NAACP: Announced plans for a record-breaking get-out-the-vote effort that will be undermined by bureaucracy, infighting, and massive administrative costs

American Dental Association: You'd be surprised what people will do just for some free cinnamon floss

Don Howerton of Brighton, MI: Will show unregistered voters a photo of that goddamned dead birch tree Phil Edmund next door still refuses to cut down, and encourage them to vote for someone who will do something about it for Christ's sake

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