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Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
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Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait out the storm indoors. Here are some ways you and your family can occupy your time until the weather passes:

  • Refer to FEMA’s Official Indoor Fun Guide for emergency game ideas
  • Sit on your legs until they both fall asleep, and then try to get up and walk to another room; repeat this 400 times
  • See how much loud clapping you can accomplish before man in next emergency cot gets angry
  • Remember favorite memories
  • Start planning your hurricane story now so you’ll be able to one-up your friends’ stories
  • Tweet something cute or clever about storm. In event of power or Internet loss, just shout 140-character comments out window
  • In moment of storm-induced panic, kiss roommate; never discuss
  • Take a shit right in the middle of Times Square; it’s your only chance

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