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Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Monocle-Wearing Oil Baron’s Cigarette Holder Splinters In Clenched Teeth After Hearing Bernie Sanders’ Environmental Platform

GREENWICH, CT—Leaving him visibly seething as he sat in his tufted leather wingback chair in his study, monocle-wearing oil baron Frederick Porter Harriman’s ivory-inlaid cigarette holder reportedly splintered between his clenched teeth upon him hearing presidential candidate Bernie Sanders outline his environmental platform during Thursday night’s Democratic debate.
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Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait out the storm indoors. Here are some ways you and your family can occupy your time until the weather passes:

  • Refer to FEMA’s Official Indoor Fun Guide for emergency game ideas
  • Sit on your legs until they both fall asleep, and then try to get up and walk to another room; repeat this 400 times
  • See how much loud clapping you can accomplish before man in next emergency cot gets angry
  • Remember favorite memories
  • Start planning your hurricane story now so you’ll be able to one-up your friends’ stories
  • Tweet something cute or clever about storm. In event of power or Internet loss, just shout 140-character comments out window
  • In moment of storm-induced panic, kiss roommate; never discuss
  • Take a shit right in the middle of Times Square; it’s your only chance

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