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Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Ways To Wait Out Hurricane Sandy

With Hurricane Sandy shuttering schools, businesses, and transit services up and down the East Coast, tens of millions of Americans have been left to wait out the storm indoors. Here are some ways you and your family can occupy your time until the weather passes:

  • Refer to FEMA’s Official Indoor Fun Guide for emergency game ideas
  • Sit on your legs until they both fall asleep, and then try to get up and walk to another room; repeat this 400 times
  • See how much loud clapping you can accomplish before man in next emergency cot gets angry
  • Remember favorite memories
  • Start planning your hurricane story now so you’ll be able to one-up your friends’ stories
  • Tweet something cute or clever about storm. In event of power or Internet loss, just shout 140-character comments out window
  • In moment of storm-induced panic, kiss roommate; never discuss
  • Take a shit right in the middle of Times Square; it’s your only chance

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