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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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What A Government Shutdown Means For You

If Congress is unable to pass legislation that will fund the government by midnight tonight, the U.S. government will shut down. Here is what a government shutdown means for you:

  • All national parks and zoos will be closed, but animals will be fed and cared for by Sens. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA) and Tom Harkin (D-IA)
  • No trash collection in Washington, D.C., which means the only solution is for residents to eat their own garbage
  • Those who died and are honored in the Holocaust Museum will become de-memorialized and will no longer be resting in peace
  • Old man with giant beard who walks hundreds of steps to light the gas lamp in the Statue of Liberty every night will be unemployed
  • You will still be able to send and receive mail, but any attempt to poison government officials will have to be held off until they return to their offices after the shutdown ends
  • This probably won’t have any actual effect on your marriage, but it’s better to blame it on this than facing what the real issues are
  • Any harm that may occur to you during the shutdown will still affect your body in real life. Essentially, if you die in the shutdown, you die for real.
  • Most government workers will be furloughed—a procedure that involves halting their pay, sending them home, and then castrating them with a gelding knife in front of their spouses
  • Realistically, you won’t be affected by this very much in your day-to-day life, but you’ll feel the full effects during the 2014 midterm election when you lose your seat in Congress

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