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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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What Apple Users Need To Know About iOS 7

Yesterday, Apple officially released iOS 7, the latest update to its mobile operating system that runs the iPhone and iPad. Here’s what’s new about iOS 7:

  • One new pixel
  • Accessible new Control Center window allows flyers to more easily pretend to turn on Airplane Mode before takeoff
  • More immersive storyline
  • Cool new ringtone shouts, "Say, friend! Someone seems to be calling you on your sleek new iOS 7 device!"
  • Lives inside the phone
  • Comes with Tom Skerritt’s home phone number
  • Redesign makes the interface simpler and easier to use, although Apple officials have stressed that it does not take an experience people love and make it better
  • Calendar app includes three new months
  • Even more phantom vibrations
  • 12 preloaded pictures of hats
  • Has none of the features iOS 8 will have
  • It's got new icons—that's actually all that's new, sorry

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