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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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What Apple Users Need To Know About iOS 7

Yesterday, Apple officially released iOS 7, the latest update to its mobile operating system that runs the iPhone and iPad. Here’s what’s new about iOS 7:

  • One new pixel
  • Accessible new Control Center window allows flyers to more easily pretend to turn on Airplane Mode before takeoff
  • More immersive storyline
  • Cool new ringtone shouts, "Say, friend! Someone seems to be calling you on your sleek new iOS 7 device!"
  • Lives inside the phone
  • Comes with Tom Skerritt’s home phone number
  • Redesign makes the interface simpler and easier to use, although Apple officials have stressed that it does not take an experience people love and make it better
  • Calendar app includes three new months
  • Even more phantom vibrations
  • 12 preloaded pictures of hats
  • Has none of the features iOS 8 will have
  • It's got new icons—that's actually all that's new, sorry

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