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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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What Apple Users Need To Know About iOS 7

Yesterday, Apple officially released iOS 7, the latest update to its mobile operating system that runs the iPhone and iPad. Here’s what’s new about iOS 7:

  • One new pixel
  • Accessible new Control Center window allows flyers to more easily pretend to turn on Airplane Mode before takeoff
  • More immersive storyline
  • Cool new ringtone shouts, "Say, friend! Someone seems to be calling you on your sleek new iOS 7 device!"
  • Lives inside the phone
  • Comes with Tom Skerritt’s home phone number
  • Redesign makes the interface simpler and easier to use, although Apple officials have stressed that it does not take an experience people love and make it better
  • Calendar app includes three new months
  • Even more phantom vibrations
  • 12 preloaded pictures of hats
  • Has none of the features iOS 8 will have
  • It's got new icons—that's actually all that's new, sorry

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