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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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What Cost The Democrats Massachusetts?

Though it was considered a foregone conclusion that the seat would remain in Democratic hands, Republican Scott Brown surprised everyone by winning the Senate seat left vacant by the death of Ted Kennedy. Here are some of the reasons pundits are giving for the defeat:

  • Thrill-seeking Massachusetts residents had never seen a Republican in real life, let alone voted for one
  • Brown created 25 local jobs by keeping his pickup truck in tip-top shape
  • 95% of voters recalled a friendly classmate from some point in elementary school named Scott Brown
  • In an embarrassing incident, Coakley accidentally called Curt Schilling a "Yankee fan," Larry Bird a "Lakers fan," Tom Brady a "Colts fan," and the late Ted Kennedy a "brain cancer fan"
  • Press photos of Brown in a hard hat outnumbered those of Coakley in a hard hat by a staggering five-to-one margin
  • Most Democrats stayed home during the election to sew hemp necklaces and fix their solar-powered roofs
  • Voters finally getting around to condemning Kennedy for Chappaquiddick
  • Coakley's cranial circumference fell far short of what Massachusetts voters have come to expect from a senator
  • Massive cultural and political shift to the left did not actually happen

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