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Vol 29 Issue 16

Ask A Navy SEAL

Dear Navy SEAL,My boyfriend, who I love very much, was laid off from his job a few weeks back.

Deforestation Complete

Global deforestation, the environmental disaster forewarned by eco-radicals since as far back as 1980, has finally and irreversibly arrived, spokespersons from Worldwide PulpCo announced Monday.

Dog People, Cat People

CASTSTEVE, a lean, handsome man in his early 30s who works as a loan officer.MELANIE, a petite, cute woman in her late 20s who works as a bank teller.PETER, the president of Consolidated ...

Uptight Matron Enjoys Handful of Pills

SCOTSDALE, AZ—Georgette McHue, a Scotsdale-area uptight matron, enjoyed a handful of colorful pills yesterday, swallowing them down after dinner with a glass of water.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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