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Vol 29 Issue 14

San Diego Zoo Acquires Chinese Man

SAN DIEGO, CA—The San Diego Zoo, home to the world’s largest collection of animals in captivity, added its first human specimen Monday, acquiring Chinese man Xiang Zhengzhou from the Paris Metro Zoo.

Umabomber Captured

In a spectacular climax to the longest manhunt ever mounted by the FBI, federal agents captured the notorious, glamorous Umabomber yesterday.

Spring is a Great Time for Sex

One of the longest winters on record has drawn to a close. As the snow melts away and warm breezes begin blowing through the new season, the American people will begin the slow process of healing themselves from the psychological and spiritual ravages of ...

Middle Management Prepares for 'Operation Xerox-Fax'

HARTFORD, CT—Middle management officials at Coopers & Schmidt, a Hartford-based insurance claims adjustment firm, are busy gearing up this week for Operation Xerox-Fax, a covert, high-stakes faxing mission scheduled for April 23.

Your Real Horoscope

Aries: (Mar. 21–Apr. 19) You’ll meet a handsome stranger at a wild party and make mad passionate love.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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