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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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What Does College Tuition Money Pay For?

The average cost of tuition and room and board at a four-year private university in the U.S. has risen to $39,518 annually. Here is a breakdown of where that money goes:

  • $250: Omnipresent collegiate scent
  • $40: Ream of diploma paper
  • $2,543: Laundry facilities capable of handling constant, round-the-clock loads of pajama pants
  • $25: Credit check
  • $5,000: Morgan Spurlock appearance fee
  • $0.15: Student mental health services
  • $4.40: You think all those comedy hypnotists are stopping by out of the kindness of their hearts?
  • $250: Quills
  • $8,000: Standard wasted money fee
  • $29,000: Big tall clock that goes “ding”

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