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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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What Is ISIS?

The Islamic State of Iraq and Syria, a formerly al-Qaeda–aligned organization known by the acronym ISIS, has been seizing cities in Iraq, carrying out mass killings, and marching toward Baghdad. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the Sunni Islamist militant group that is suddenly at the forefront of international news:

  • Origin Story: Founded in garage of aspiring jihadist and college dropout Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
  • Common Tactics: Catch international community off guard with a series of escalating attacks over the course of three years
  • Battle-Hardenedness: 8.5 out of 10
  • Presence: Iraq, Syria, Turkey, CNN Homepage
  • Greatest Inspiration: Past 1,300 years of sectarian violence in region
  • Preferred Execution Method: Summary
  • Key Recruiting Pitch: Large, supportive alumni network
  • Interpretation Of Quran: Way off
  • Requirements For New Members: Single-minded obsession with pan-national Islamic state; $159 one-time registration fee
  • Ultimate Goal: Improve U.S.–Iran relations by uniting both nations against common enemy
  • Threat Posed: Could undermine stability of Iraq

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