adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Q: What is the object of Pokémon Go?
A: To collect as much personal data for Nintendo as possible

Q: Where can you play Pokémon Go?
A: In any society in which the problems of day-to-day survival have been adequately solved to allow the concept of unfocused activity, or “leisure,” to develop

Q: What are Pokémon?
A: This is not for you

Q: How do you catch a Pokémon?
A: Spend months building a personal connection before luring it away from its family

Q: What happens after I capture a Pokémon?
A: The Pokémon will emit a deep, mournful moan as it begins to experience an overwhelming longing for freedom

Q: Can you shoot the Pokémon?
A: No

Q: How do you beat the game?
A: The game is won when you have completed all in-app purchases

Q: Where can I catch Onix?
A: Onix can only be found in the Caspian Sea off the coast of Turkmenistan, at coordinates 39°32’48.7”N 51°49’04.1”E

Q: How many Pokémon are there?
A: 151, according to the most recent numbers out of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Q: Is it a better deal to buy 2,500 Pokécoins for $19.99 or 5,200 Pokécoins for $39.99?
A: The DSM-5 classifies internet gaming disorder as a compulsive use of video games that leads to significant issues functioning in society, damage to one’s personal life, and acute withdrawal when separated from the game in question.

Q: Who owns Pokémon Go?
A: Pokémon Go is jointly owned by Nintendo and the remaining descendants of Pikachu

Q: Should I worry about the amount of information that I will expose about myself by using the app?
A: It’s never stopped you before

Q: Is some part of this game’s popularity among adults deeply, indescribably sad?
A: Yes

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close