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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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What Privileges Do Student-Athletes Receive?

This week’s revelation that the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill inflated grades for thousands of athletes has shed light on the advantages that many college sports stars are given over other students. Here are some of the benefits and perks that student-athletes receive at colleges around the nation:

  • Athlete mentorship programs that pair freshmen with older student-athletes who already have experience getting out of sexual assault charges
  • Unlimited access to academic support services they have no reason to use
  • At many Division I schools, personal tutors are assigned to each student-athlete to supply them with free urine samples
  • Early registration times allow scholar-athletes to enroll in the most in-demand fluff courses
  • At Ohio State, athletes receive complimentary transportation to and from crime scenes
  • An equitable percentage of the billions of dollars of revenue generated by collegiate athletics
  • Little bit of exercise
  • At the United States Military Academy, all student-athletes are offered guaranteed employment after graduation
  • It is a privilege every time a University of Georgia football player puts on a jersey to represent those colors on the gridiron
  • The possibility that, after four years of hard work and sacrifice, they might have the opportunity to be cut by the Jacksonville Jaguars during the second week of training camp
  • Athletes at the University of Pennsylvania are granted unlimited access to the school’s private collection of Benjamin Franklin quotes
  • A few athletic programs across the country allow athletes to attend lectures and complete course assignments, usually resulting in a college degree

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