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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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What Privileges Do Student-Athletes Receive?

This week’s revelation that the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill inflated grades for thousands of athletes has shed light on the advantages that many college sports stars are given over other students. Here are some of the benefits and perks that student-athletes receive at colleges around the nation:

  • Athlete mentorship programs that pair freshmen with older student-athletes who already have experience getting out of sexual assault charges
  • Unlimited access to academic support services they have no reason to use
  • At many Division I schools, personal tutors are assigned to each student-athlete to supply them with free urine samples
  • Early registration times allow scholar-athletes to enroll in the most in-demand fluff courses
  • At Ohio State, athletes receive complimentary transportation to and from crime scenes
  • An equitable percentage of the billions of dollars of revenue generated by collegiate athletics
  • Little bit of exercise
  • At the United States Military Academy, all student-athletes are offered guaranteed employment after graduation
  • It is a privilege every time a University of Georgia football player puts on a jersey to represent those colors on the gridiron
  • The possibility that, after four years of hard work and sacrifice, they might have the opportunity to be cut by the Jacksonville Jaguars during the second week of training camp
  • Athletes at the University of Pennsylvania are granted unlimited access to the school’s private collection of Benjamin Franklin quotes
  • A few athletic programs across the country allow athletes to attend lectures and complete course assignments, usually resulting in a college degree

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