What Privileges Do Student-Athletes Receive?

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

What Privileges Do Student-Athletes Receive?

This week’s revelation that the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill inflated grades for thousands of athletes has shed light on the advantages that many college sports stars are given over other students. Here are some of the benefits and perks that student-athletes receive at colleges around the nation:

  • Athlete mentorship programs that pair freshmen with older student-athletes who already have experience getting out of sexual assault charges
  • Unlimited access to academic support services they have no reason to use
  • At many Division I schools, personal tutors are assigned to each student-athlete to supply them with free urine samples
  • Early registration times allow scholar-athletes to enroll in the most in-demand fluff courses
  • At Ohio State, athletes receive complimentary transportation to and from crime scenes
  • An equitable percentage of the billions of dollars of revenue generated by collegiate athletics
  • Little bit of exercise
  • At the United States Military Academy, all student-athletes are offered guaranteed employment after graduation
  • It is a privilege every time a University of Georgia football player puts on a jersey to represent those colors on the gridiron
  • The possibility that, after four years of hard work and sacrifice, they might have the opportunity to be cut by the Jacksonville Jaguars during the second week of training camp
  • Athletes at the University of Pennsylvania are granted unlimited access to the school’s private collection of Benjamin Franklin quotes
  • A few athletic programs across the country allow athletes to attend lectures and complete course assignments, usually resulting in a college degree


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close