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Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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What Is A Super PAC?

The result of two controversial 2010 federal court cases removing traditional restrictions on political action committee spending, super PACs are expected to have a significant influence on the results of the 2016 elections.
Here is everything you need to know about super PACs:

Q: What is a political action committee?
A: A PAC is a living, breathing organism that is capable of swallowing hundreds of millions of dollars and giving birth to a single American leader.

Q: What is the purpose of super PACs?
A: To counteract the excessive influence ordinary voters exert on U.S. elections.

Q: Who can contribute to a super PAC?
A: Any entity ranging in size from a small packaged foods conglomerate to a giant telecommunications conglomerate.

Q: Is there a limit to the amount of money that can be donated to a political action committee?
A: Donations are strictly limited to the amount of money the donor possesses.

Q: What do super PACs spend their money on?
A: Selflessly ensuring that voters are as informed as possible about why Assemblyman Michael Evans is the wrong choice for Albany.

Q: Isn’t it true that super PACs drown out the voices of everyday Americans with their narrow, self-serving messages, effectively crippling the democratic process and reinforcing a vicious cycle in which all politicians are beholden to multimillionaires and merely feign interest in the working and middle classes in a cynical attempt to clinch their election and advance the interests of the country’s moneyed elite, further dividing a crumbling nation already hopelessly mired in inequality?
A: No.

Q: What is the difference between a PAC and a super PAC?
A: A one-vote margin in the Supreme Court.

Q: How much does the average super PAC spend?
A: There’s no reason to ruin the rest of your afternoon learning this.

Q: What are some of the more influential super PACs?
A: Americans for America, Bucks for Bernie, Appetite for Destruction.

Q: How can I donate to a super PAC?
A: Don’t worry, they’re not for you.

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