What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas

Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:

  • $80: Outdoor Christmas lights that prove you’re a fuckin’ somebody
  • $11: A corn-husk doll, new sewing patterns, and a small sack of brown sugar for the daughter of the family
  • $1,700: Candy canes
  • $110: Cocaine to stay up and watch for Santa
  • $10: Something for middle child
  • $24: Digital picture frame that will give Grandma something to struggle with until she dies
  • $140: Peppermint spice gasoline for holiday travel
  • $0: Another pocket-watch-for-hair-combs/hair-for-watch-chain fuckup again
  • $25: Elf poison
  • $0.06: One green and one red M&M
  • $8,000: Christmas dinner appearance fee for Pierce Brosnan
  • $517.83: New gaming console and impulse-buy Snickers