What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas

Top Headlines

Recent News

Most Likely Candidates For Trump’s Cabinet

If elected president, Donald Trump will have the opportunity to nominate up to 15 cabinet members, each advising him on executive departments. Here are the most rumored choices for Trump’s inner circle.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas

Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:

  • $80: Outdoor Christmas lights that prove you’re a fuckin’ somebody
  • $11: A corn-husk doll, new sewing patterns, and a small sack of brown sugar for the daughter of the family
  • $1,700: Candy canes
  • $110: Cocaine to stay up and watch for Santa
  • $10: Something for middle child
  • $24: Digital picture frame that will give Grandma something to struggle with until she dies
  • $140: Peppermint spice gasoline for holiday travel
  • $0: Another pocket-watch-for-hair-combs/hair-for-watch-chain fuckup again
  • $25: Elf poison
  • $0.06: One green and one red M&M
  • $8,000: Christmas dinner appearance fee for Pierce Brosnan
  • $517.83: New gaming console and impulse-buy Snickers


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close