adBlockCheck

What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas

Top Headlines

Holidays

eBay
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Holidays

eBay

What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas

Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:

  • $80: Outdoor Christmas lights that prove you’re a fuckin’ somebody
  • $11: A corn-husk doll, new sewing patterns, and a small sack of brown sugar for the daughter of the family
  • $1,700: Candy canes
  • $110: Cocaine to stay up and watch for Santa
  • $10: Something for middle child
  • $24: Digital picture frame that will give Grandma something to struggle with until she dies
  • $140: Peppermint spice gasoline for holiday travel
  • $0: Another pocket-watch-for-hair-combs/hair-for-watch-chain fuckup again
  • $25: Elf poison
  • $0.06: One green and one red M&M
  • $8,000: Christmas dinner appearance fee for Pierce Brosnan
  • $517.83: New gaming console and impulse-buy Snickers

Holidays Video

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close