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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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What The Average American Consumer Will Spend This Christmas

Americans are projected to spend more than $600 billion during the 2013 holiday shopping season. Here is a breakdown of the average American consumer’s Christmas spending:

  • $80: Outdoor Christmas lights that prove you’re a fuckin’ somebody
  • $11: A corn-husk doll, new sewing patterns, and a small sack of brown sugar for the daughter of the family
  • $1,700: Candy canes
  • $110: Cocaine to stay up and watch for Santa
  • $10: Something for middle child
  • $24: Digital picture frame that will give Grandma something to struggle with until she dies
  • $140: Peppermint spice gasoline for holiday travel
  • $0: Another pocket-watch-for-hair-combs/hair-for-watch-chain fuckup again
  • $25: Elf poison
  • $0.06: One green and one red M&M
  • $8,000: Christmas dinner appearance fee for Pierce Brosnan
  • $517.83: New gaming console and impulse-buy Snickers
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