What The Average Funeral Costs

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Vol 50 Issue 25

Oldest Human Poop Discovered In Spain

Archaeologists working at an ancient campsite in Alicante, Spain discovered a pile of poop left by Neanderthals 50,000 years ago, which revealed that they were not strict carnivores as previously believed, but also ate plant matter.

Birthday Wish Wasted On Trying To Bring Dad Back

The U.S. Government sets aside 600,000 acres of pristine land for future generations to pollute, John Kerry says ‘to defeat them, I must become them,’ while putting on a black face mask, and a birthday wish is wasted on trying to bring dad bac...

Bedtime Story From Fucking Bible Again

BEAVERTON, OR—Saying that he has to deal with this shit every single night, local 6-year-old Andrew Neel was exasperated to learn Thursday that the bedtime story his mother would be reading him was once again from the fucking Bible, sources confirme...

Study: Women Who Give Birth Later Live Longer

According to a new study from the Boston University School of Medicine, women who naturally conceive and give birth to their last child after age 33 are twice as likely to live to age 95 as those who give birth to their last child before age 30.

Most Popular Fitness Trends

Workout programs such as CrossFit and Tabata have surged in popularity in recent years as Americans look for new and engaging ways to lose weight, get in shape, and build muscle.
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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Business

What The Average Funeral Costs

Funeral-related expenses have tripled over the past 25 years to upwards of $6,000 per ceremony, leaving many families struggling to afford the cost of burying a loved one. Here is what the average family spends on a funeral:

  • Graveside catering: $3,000
  • Rights to Psalm 118: $75
  • Urn with “#1 Dad” engraved on side: $400
  • Embalming: $99 per limb
  • Fee for nurse to perform last minute pulse check before sealing casket lid: $5
  • Brother’s speaking fee: $400
  • Electric anti-gopher fence: $699
  • Extra-brawny pallbearers capable of lifting 310-pound corpse: $15 per hour
  • Paying off the mistress: $10,000
  • Closure: $2,482.30
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