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What The Average Funeral Costs

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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What The Average Funeral Costs

Funeral-related expenses have tripled over the past 25 years to upwards of $6,000 per ceremony, leaving many families struggling to afford the cost of burying a loved one. Here is what the average family spends on a funeral:

  • Graveside catering: $3,000
  • Rights to Psalm 118: $75
  • Urn with “#1 Dad” engraved on side: $400
  • Embalming: $99 per limb
  • Fee for nurse to perform last minute pulse check before sealing casket lid: $5
  • Brother’s speaking fee: $400
  • Electric anti-gopher fence: $699
  • Extra-brawny pallbearers capable of lifting 310-pound corpse: $15 per hour
  • Paying off the mistress: $10,000
  • Closure: $2,482.30

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