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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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What The Average Funeral Costs

Funeral-related expenses have tripled over the past 25 years to upwards of $6,000 per ceremony, leaving many families struggling to afford the cost of burying a loved one. Here is what the average family spends on a funeral:

  • Graveside catering: $3,000
  • Rights to Psalm 118: $75
  • Urn with “#1 Dad” engraved on side: $400
  • Embalming: $99 per limb
  • Fee for nurse to perform last minute pulse check before sealing casket lid: $5
  • Brother’s speaking fee: $400
  • Electric anti-gopher fence: $699
  • Extra-brawny pallbearers capable of lifting 310-pound corpse: $15 per hour
  • Paying off the mistress: $10,000
  • Closure: $2,482.30
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