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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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What The Average Teen Spends On Prom

The cost of going to prom is predicted to be nearly $1,000 this year, with teens and their families spending enormous amounts of money on formal wear, limousines, post-dance parties, and more. Here’s a breakdown of what the average teen spends on prom:

  • $430: Plane ticket back from college for reluctant boyfriend
  • $40: Charge for photo with vice principal
  • $3,000,000,000: Development of technologies advanced enough to host under-the-sea prom
  • $35: $10 dinner
  • $75: Prom vaccinations
  • $315: Formal retainer
  • $80: Babysitter
  • $50: Tribute payment to prom king
  • $120: Hotel room with twin beds so teen and date can get some rest
  • A lifetime of regret: Not asking Julie to dance
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