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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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What The Average Teen Spends On Prom

The cost of going to prom is predicted to be nearly $1,000 this year, with teens and their families spending enormous amounts of money on formal wear, limousines, post-dance parties, and more. Here’s a breakdown of what the average teen spends on prom:

  • $430: Plane ticket back from college for reluctant boyfriend
  • $40: Charge for photo with vice principal
  • $3,000,000,000: Development of technologies advanced enough to host under-the-sea prom
  • $35: $10 dinner
  • $75: Prom vaccinations
  • $315: Formal retainer
  • $80: Babysitter
  • $50: Tribute payment to prom king
  • $120: Hotel room with twin beds so teen and date can get some rest
  • A lifetime of regret: Not asking Julie to dance

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