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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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What The Average Teen Spends On Prom

The cost of going to prom is predicted to be nearly $1,000 this year, with teens and their families spending enormous amounts of money on formal wear, limousines, post-dance parties, and more. Here’s a breakdown of what the average teen spends on prom:

  • $430: Plane ticket back from college for reluctant boyfriend
  • $40: Charge for photo with vice principal
  • $3,000,000,000: Development of technologies advanced enough to host under-the-sea prom
  • $35: $10 dinner
  • $75: Prom vaccinations
  • $315: Formal retainer
  • $80: Babysitter
  • $50: Tribute payment to prom king
  • $120: Hotel room with twin beds so teen and date can get some rest
  • A lifetime of regret: Not asking Julie to dance

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